Editor’s note: Everyone say hi to Zach, he’s a big sports fan who has been writing for SBNation for a long time, and wants to add some baseball coverage to his resume. Even though he’s from the south and “Not even a Twins fan” he’ll be bringing us a unique outsider perspective throughout this season.
Hello all, my name’s Zachary and this spring will be my first season ever writing about the Twins. Neat! I’m excited to entertain you all. I’m not from Minnesota, nor have I ever been to Minnesota so this is ALSO the first time I’m looking at the Twins roster. With that in mind, here are my initial reactions to each and every player listed on the roster:
- Jose Berrios- Hey I think I’ve heard of him. He’s good right? I’m pretty sure he’s good. *sees he made the All-Star team last year* ah yeah, see I knew he was good
- Tyler Duffey- DUFF MAN CAN NEVER DIE! Only the actors who play him!
- Kyle Gibson- My initial reaction was “the guy who hit that home run for the Dodgers in the World Series?” But that’s Kirk Gibson. Maybe Kyle knows Kirk?
- Stephen Gonsalves- If he were the Twins closer, his nickname would be Stephen gon’ save us
- Trevor Hildenberger- Lots of different reactions here. Number one: his name is close to the SpongeBob creator. Number two: if he has a bad outing can we call it “The Hildenberger Disaster”? editor’s note: We already do, Zach.
- Zack Littell: His name is ALSO Zack and he’s younger than me so he’s literally Zack but Little. Also I don’t trust anyone who spells Zach with a K. Questionable move
- Matt Magill: Matt Magill! Attorney at law
- Trevor May: My birthday is in May! May 31, so plenty of time for you all to get me something
- Adalberto Mejia: Quite the goatee!
- Gabriel Moya: His birthday, January 9, is ALSO the anniversary of when LSU got shutout by Alabama in the BCS my freshman year of college, which was undoubtedly the worst night of my life
- Jake Odorizzi: Sounds like a weird mix of odor and paparazzi
- Blake Parker: Parker? I hardly know her!
- Martin Perez: Martin was a TV show in the ‘90s
- Michael Pineda: Pretty sure I remember him. Was he the pine tar on the neck guy for the Yankees? Somebody look that up for me
- Addison Reed: One of my students name is Addison and she’s awesome
- Taylor Rogers: Mr. Rogers neighborhood! I bet he’s never heard that one before editor’s note: wait til Zach sees our gamethreads, he’ll fit right in
- Fernando Romero: Honestly? I got nothing. I’m also trying to do this while watching The Bachelor
- Kohl Stewart: Get outta my face with spelling your first name that way “Kohl” editor’s note: If Zach was from the upper midwest, he’d have mentioned a certain department store here
- Lewis Thorpe: Not a fan of the beard
- Andrew Vasquez: Good smile!
- Willians Astudillo: Kind of got a round face don’t you think? Like really round. editor’s note: Leave Willians alone!
- Jason Castro: There’s this King of the Hill episode where Hank’s dad wants to try and kill Fidel Castro
- Mitch Garver: Garver wears 18 and if he were an LSU football player that’d be a really big deal. But he doesn’t. So nevermind
- Ehire Adrianza: Yo Adrian!
- Luis Arraez: There’s no picture listed so as far as I’m aware he doesn’t actually exist
- Tyler Austin: Two first names! Just like Ricky Bobby and Kirk Cameron
- C.J. Cron: My hope is that the “C” in C.J is for “C.J.” how meta would that be? C.J. J. Cron editors note: It’s for Christopher, but I had to look that up myself a couple weeks ago. Zach is forgiven.
- Nick Gordon: It was his hat Mr. Krabs! He was number one!
- Jorge Polanco: Seems mediocre at best
- Miguel Sano: Feels like he’s capable of mashing a whole bunch of dingers
- Jonathan Schoop: If his walk out song isn’t Shoop by Salt N Pepa then what’s the point? editor’s note: Please don’t confuse dad any more than you have to.
- Ronald Torreyes: His last name seems like it’d be Joe Torre’s last name but in plural form. “Two Joe Torreyes walk into a bar...”
- Byron Buxton: oh yeah I’ve heard of him! Is he good yet? *sees he batted .156 in 90 at bats last year* oh my
- Jake Cave: The Cave is my favorite Mumford and Sons song but I dislike Mumford and Sons so I don’t know what that says. My favorite by default on the 2019 Twins
- Marwin Gonzalez: Hey that Astros guy plays here now!
- Max Kepler: Max Keeble’s Big Move was a criminally underrated comedy from 2001
- Michael Reed: He’s handsome! Nice smile, good beard, he’s got it all
- Eddie Rosario: Rosario Dawson played this nurse that was in all of the Marvel Netflix shows. She was also Barbara Gordon in The Lego Batman movie
- LaMonte Wade: He wears No. 73 and I hate it
- Nelson Cruz: Still playing baseball I see! Fantastic, keep getting those checks Nelson