Eddie Rosario terrified by Easter Bunny; hits many home runs

Since there is no baseball to satirize, and this is the least-celebrated Easter Sunday I can remember, I’m re-running this piece from a happier time: last year. Hopefully it’s still worth a laugh.

They say fear is a great motivator—and for one Twin, it appears that is true.

Multiple sources in the Twins clubhouse have told us that the Easter Bunny made an appearance in the Twins clubhouse prior to Saturday’s first game.

Kyle Gibson reportedly found an Easter Bunny costume on Ebay, and ordered it as a morale boosting measure for the team after a rough series with Toronto.

Rookie pitcher Ryne Harper was tasked with wearing the seven-foot tall (including ears) mascot suit. According to our source “Ryne was just kind of hip-hopping around, going up to guys, and you could just see Eddie getting more and more uncomfortable.” As Harper was joking around with his teammates in character though, the atmosphere in the clubhouse got more and more tense.

“It was kind of the opposite of what I planned” said Gibson, “I wanted to loosen things up, but who would have guessed Eddie was so scared of rabbits.”

Rosario became more terrified when Harper, without breaking character, went over to the left fielder’s locker. After a few words from the fluffy emblem of new beginnings, a white-faced Rosario beat a hasty retreat from the area.

Harper described the conversation as being “Just like, happy Easter, glad to see, you that kind of stuff.”

Rosario had a very different recollection of their exchange. “That bunny, he said he would steal all my candy if I didn’t hit four home runs yesterday.” He continued, telling us “ I do not want the rabbit to steal my chocolates. Those are a special Easter tradition. I tried to hit four home runs, but I fell one short.”

Rocco Baldelli’s take on the kerfuffle seemed entirely reasonable, as he took a tact that allowed him to support both sides of the locker room controversy, stating “I mean, it’s just a guy in a big fuzzy suit, but he’s wearing a vest and no pants. Where are his pants?”

Starters Jose Berrios and Martin Perez both came to Harper’s defense, stating that they appreciated the run support. Jake Odorizzi was seen googling “mascots for hire” and admitted to wishing his teammates would hit as well on his turn in the rotation.

Some of the position players, however, stood up for Rosario. This includes first baseman C.J. Cron, who said “I get it man, Look, I’m afraid of bees. One time in Anaheim, a bee kept flying around my head at first base, and I almost ran back into the dugout. That’s the real reason they traded me to Tampa. Triple-A at Salt Lake City was hell, man, the damn mascot there is a bee! Ì wasn't about to go back there."

Another player on Rosario's side, Twins right fielder Max Kepler, asked us what “fun” meant, and said they didn’t have such a thing back in Germany.

No word on how Eddie feels about TC Bear, however.