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Twins 11, Mariners 6: The Night of Many Dongs

All we are is dongs in the wind.

Minnesota Twins v Seattle Mariners Photo by Abbie Parr/Getty Images

The scene opens upon T-Mobile Park (I guess?) standing alone unscathed among the ruins of Old Seattle, dust dancing within the sunlight that pierced through the closed roof in any way it could. It had been years since the Twins menace had razed the city during what had come to be known as “The Night of the Eternal 4th Inning.” One figure stood alone among the oppressive silence. Everyone else had moved on and left to New Dong City, but Erik Swanson couldn’t let it go. Shedding only a single tear, he would stand vigil for eternity here, the scene of his greatest failure.


Haha, actually this is just a dumb baseball recap. The Twins hit a lot of dingers. The Mariners hit a lot of dingers. Starter Michael Pineda gives up a lot of dingers. There was always going to be dingers.


The Twinkie offense jumped on rookie pitcher Erik Swanson (should have been Erik Humanson, really. I doubt he’s really half swan.) in the 3rd with 2 homers off the bats of Jason Castro and Max Kepler. In the bottom of said inning Pineda would do that thing he does and give up one to Mallex Smith.

Who cares though, the 4th inning was about to happen. Eddie Rosario started it with a single, and then C.J Cron would C.J Crush a homerun into space which in a year will likely complete its orbit and come slamming down exactly where it had left.

Marwin Gonzalez singled, Miguel Sano doubled, and then Castro bounced into a double play. Haha, just kidding. Before the game the Twins summoned the ghost of Robbie Grossman to place a curse upon the Mariners defense, and thus an error (those might keep happening.) by Encarnacion allowed Castro to reach on a fielder’s choice, scored Gonzalez and sent Sano to 3rd.

Oh hey its Byron Buxton. Oh hey its a three run tater.

Parker Markel (a real name I promise.) replaced Swanson and promptly did exactly what you want your reliever to do and hit the first batter he faced in Max Kepler.

Jorge Polanco singled, but then decided to TOOTBLAN it up by trying to take second. One out! Jonathan Schoop struck out for the 2nd out and Mariners fans thought maybe the pain was ending. Eddie Rosario attempted to fly out, but Mallex Smith politely dropped the ball, allowing Kepler to score and the inning to go on. A few batters later the bases would be loaded for Sano, but he would groundout. All good things must come to an end.

Anyway the score is 9-1 now and it is only the bottom of the fourth. This is going to be a long recap. More dingary-dingary-dingerooos would be on the way.

Ryon Healy and J.P. Crawford would take Pineda deep in the 5th with back to back solo shots, but the Twins still had a comfy lead. Jorge Polanco singled in a run in the 8th off of Anthony Swarzak of all people. Tyler Duffey decided to make things interesting in the bottom of said inning by giving up a 3 run blast to Daniel Vogelbach.

Duffey came back in the 9th, (interesting choice.) and thankfully had a 1-2-3 inning. Twins win!

STUDS: The Mariners defense (from my perspective.) C.J Cron (4 for 5)

DUDS: NAY TO DUDS TWINS WIN! Okay though, Duffey actually. Pls don’t give up 3 run jacks in the 8th anymore.

ROBOT ROLL CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Congrats to our very own Hayden A. for graduating high school! Thanks for making me feel old!