EXCLUSIVE: List of front office ideas to prevent Buxton-vs-wall collisions

After Byron Buxton’s leap into the outfield/bullpen fence and consequent crash to earth during the Minnesota Twins’ bout with the Milwaukee Brewers on Tuesday night, the Minnesota Twins front office got together and thought of some ideas on how to prevent Buxton from future instances of running into the wall.

Luckily, we here at Twinkie Town have an insider that leaked some of the most well-received ideas during said meeting. Below are the ideas that the Twins are considering along with pros and cons of each suggestion after some lengthy discussion.

Make the walls out of cotton candy.

PROS: Cotton candy is soft, therefore it will be a soft collision with the wall. Buxton and other outfielders can get energized during the game by eating a little bit of it, too!

CONS: Children in the stadium will migrate to the outfield wall using their super-power sense of smell of sugar and only sugar, resulting in the whole wall being eaten and children spilling onto the field. Twins will have to forfeit game.

Remove the walls.

PROS: Removing the walls allows for Buxton to rob home runs easier because there isn’t a wall to dictate how far a ball has to land to be a home run. Walls are so 2000s anyway.

CONS: The Twins hit a lot of home runs and they won’t count as home runs if the walls are removed.

Install airbags all over the outfield walls and warning track.

PROS: Soft impact and landings for our Gold Glove center-fielder.

CONS: The grounds crew would essentially have to double the work force to put the airbags back after they’re deployed, which isn’t cost-efficient.

Rick and Morty from the television show Rick and Morty stand in the outfield with portal guns and shoot a portal where Buxton is projected to hit the wall.

PROS: Buxton essentially avoids any hard impact whatsoever — as long as where he’s going doesn’t have any monsters.

CONS: Buxton may not be able to return from where he landed, resulting in a lost player.

Have that guy from the movie Gran Torino sit out on the lawn below the living wall in center field with a gun.

PROS: He’s pretty intimidating.

CONS: He’s not very conducive to a family-friendly atmosphere. Plus, firearms are banned at Target Field.

Get a volunteer group of children to sit on the other side of outfield walls and blow kazoos if Buxton is running at full speed within 20 feet of the wall.

PROS: It’s a good warning signal for Buxton to brace for any impact if he can’t slow down.

CONS: Kazoos are pretty annoying and can be expensive if the Twins have to provide them.

Inform Buxton to not run into the wall at full speed.

PROS: Buxton does not run into the wall at full speed and therefore does not risk injury.

CONS: None.