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Royals 4, Twins 1: Bats can not defeat Sparkman, get game over

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Oh no!

Minnesota Twins v Kansas City Royals Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images

In what seemed like a good omen, Jorge Polanco smashed a dong in the top of the first. It would be the only dong the Twins would smash in the game, disappointing both Twins fans and weirdos who are into that sort of thing.

I’m bringing only the highest-browed humor for you folks tonight.

Jake Odorizzi was immediately off his game, giving up a double to the first hitter he face; “Whitest Name Award” winner Whit Merrifield. Merrifield smacked a double and he wouldn’t be the only Royal that inning to be armed with deodorizziant, as a single off the bat of Nicky Lopez followed and then was succeeded by another double, this time from Alex Gordon. Both runners scored.

After finally getting his first out, a very strange play that will still be studied for years happened. Cheslor Cuthbert hit a ground ball and Gordon was caught in a rundown. Just after Gordon was called out for leaving the basepath, he was hit by a throw by Willians Astudillo. Somehow this was an error on Astudillo’s part and Cuthbert was allowed to go all the way to third. Look, I don’t know either. Go ask the umps. Is getting hit in the head by the ball a new market inefficiency?

Of course Lucas Duda then singled in Cuthbert. In the 4th, Marin Maldonado would get an RBI of his own off of Odorizzi with yet another double. You know what they say: Double your pleasure, double your fun, give up a bunch of doubles and the opponent scores lots of runs.

Opposite Odorizzi was Glenn Sparkman, who was 0-3 against the Twins coming in to the day. Well, a remedy to that is to face the team shortly after a 400 inning game. The Bomba Squad was more of a Bomba Dud and only ever really had one more threat, 2 on with 2 outs in the 4th. In fact the Twins went down in order 4 times, and while I may not be an expert, that seems like a bad thing to do if you want to win baseball games.

Kohl Stewart pitched the last 4 innings in relief of Odorizzi and put up zeros the whole way through, making him one of the more successful meat-grinder fodder bullpen reinforcements. So there’s a silver lining if you needed one. Oh also Mitch Garver was pulled from the game, which isn’t surprising given that he was inexplicably allowed to catch all 17 innings of a game Tuesday. I’m unsure at this moment if he’s hurt or not. We’ll keep you posted!

STUDS: Stewart, Polanco

DUDS: Odorizzi, Most of the offense.

SUPER FIGHTING ROBOT ROLL CALL, TWINKIE TOWN!!!!!!!!