(wakes up from 9-month coma)

(checks standings)

(faints back into coma while singing "We're Gonna Win, Twins!")

It's been a fun season! Dingers are flying out of Target Field (and everywhere else) at historic rates. Twins pitchers almost unanimously gave up on the "don't pitch very well" strategy that had been the team's guiding principle since 2011. Willians Astudillo became a Minnesota folk hero, like Paul Bunyan or Prince.

In a fun season, it's only right that we should get some fun stats to go with it, a statistical maraschino cherry on top of the sundae that is this season. They're generally pretty useless, much like said cherry, but they look nice, and some people can tie their stems into a knot with their tongues (I am not a professional statistician).

IMPORTANT NOTE: Regular readers of this irregular feature may be aware that nearly every entry in this series has included references to Bartolo Colon and the 1899 Cleveland Spiders, which would be an excellent name for a band. With Bartolo out of work and the Twins' success leaving them as essentially Bizarro Spiders, this has proven difficult, but I have done my best. If you disagree, please hand-deliver your complaints to the TwinkieTown corporate headquarters, which is conveniently located in the bathroom of the Cashwise in south Bismarck.

ADDITIONAL NOTES: All player stats are from 2019, as of the All-Star break, unless otherwise noted. In the interest of historical accuracy, I used the revised .366 career batting average for Ty Cobb instead of the traditional .367. No animals were harmed in the making of this blog post, although I did have to put the cat out on the porch for awhile because she wouldn't shut up even though I had already fed her.

LET'S DO THIS

Twins' Leader in OPS: Mitch Garver
Twins' Leader in ERA: Ryan Eades
Neither of those are funny: I know, but I always lead with these
Did I forget that someone named "Ryan Eades" played for the Twins: Yes

Do the Twins have any starting pitchers who are worse than Bartolo Colon was last year, thus justifying re-signing him for the stretch run: No (sheds single tear onto XXL #40 Expos jersey)

Am I going to note that the Twins' worst OPS among players with 100+ plate appearances belongs to La Tortuga: No

Home Runs
2019 Twins (89 games): 166
1927 Yankees (155 games): 158

OPS
2019 Twins: .833
Tony Oliva (career): .830

Slugging Percentage
2019 Twins: .497
Kent Hrbek (career): .481

Isolated Power
2019 Twins: .225
Justin Morneau (career): .200

ERA+
2019 Twins: 115
Brad Radke (career): 113

Strikeouts Per Nine Innings Pitched
2019 Twins: 8.7
Johan Santana (career): 8.8
2019 American League: 8.7

Stolen Base Success Rate
Max Kepler: 20%
Cecil Fielder (career): 25%

Triples
Jorge Polanco: 5
2019 White Sox: 6

Earned Run Average
2019 Orioles: 5.59
Boof Bonser (career): 5.18

Stolen Bases
Adalberto Mondesi: 28
2019 Twins: 22

Strikeout Rate (batting)
Miguel Sano (career): 36.5%
Every other player with as many career plate appearances as Miguel Sano: Less than 36.5%

OPS
Jason Castro: .860
Johnny Bench (career): .817
Mitch Garver: .984
Mike Piazza (career): .922

Stolen Base Success Rate
2019 Twins: 59%
Kent Hrbek (career): 59%
Prince Fielder (career): 62%
2019 Twins who are not Byron Buxton: 45%
Jim Thome (career): 49%

OPS
Miguel Sano: .896
Harmon Killebrew (career): .884
Should the Twins demote Sano: NO COMMENT

American League-Leading Left Fielder in Range Factor, Fielding Percentage, and Total Zone Runs: Robbie Grossman
The same "Robbie Grossman" who was a semi-legendary outfield butcher for the Twins: Allegedly

Twins' Leader in On-Base Percentage: LaMonte Wade Jr.
LaMonte Wade Jr.'s Batting Average: .000

Percentage of Batters Hit by Andrew Vasquez (career): 13.8%
Batters Hit by Walter Johnson (career): 203 (modern MLB record)
Number of Batters Walter Johnson Would Have Hit at Vasquez' Rate: 3,228

Batting Average
Luis Arraez (career): .394
Ty Cobb (career): .366
Arraez' rank in MLB history (minimum 90 plate appearances): 1st
Cobb's rank in MLB history (minimum 95 plate appearances): 1st

Home Runs
Max Kepler: 21
Eddie Rosario: 20
C.J. Cron: 17
Nelson Cruz: 16
Jonathan Schoop: 14
Jorge Polanco: 13
Mitch Garver: 13
Miguel Sano: 13
1899 Cleveland Spiders: 12

2019 Twins' Magic Number: 69
Nice: Yes