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Twins 6, Athletics 3: Bombas are back, baby

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HIT DINGERS GET PAID

MLB: Oakland Athletics at Minnesota Twins
Marwin has an invisible chair in left, change my mind.
Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

The Twins had just lost their 3rd game in a row and fell victim to their first sweep. Twins twitter was freaking out about the season being over, and Twinkie Town comments were rife with negative Nancies Nancying negatively. A dark cloud spread over Minnesota, filling our lungs with a vile smog and blackening our being to the very soul. Woe was us, how rough it was to be winning the division by single digits instead of double. Could we ever be saved?

Circus Baseball came out in full effect to start the game, trying to ruin an appearance by Good Kyle Gibson. Luis Arraez made a throwing error on the first play of the game, letting the A’s start the first with a man on second. Gibby worked his way out of it with no damage.

In the 2nd, Miguel Sano made a fielding error, temporarily causing this site to lose power thanks to too many DEMOTE SANO comments being sent at once and overloading the server. Gibby worked his way out of it with no damage.

In the 3rd the Twins got a run the old fashioned way: bunting the runners to 2nd and 3rd and then using mind control to make the pitcher throw a wild pitch. There aren’t any rules expressly against mind control, look it up.

Said lead didn’t last long, as Khris Davis (the better of the two hris Davisoids) doubled in a run in the 4th. Morale would plummet even further in the 6th when Jurickson Profar smashed a two run dong, giving the A’s the lead. Twins fans everywhere began committing ritual suicide to avoid the dishonor of the possibility of a team they like only being ahead in their division by 3 games.

And then it was the bottom of the 7th with one out. Luis Arraez was at the plate, and the mood was heavy. Suddenly, the crack of the bat echoed in the air. Solid Contact! A double! You can get more than one base in a single hit? Wow! Miguel Sano followed with a walk. Could it be happening?

Commercial break. Eddie Rosario was coming in to pinch hit for Jake Cave.

“Hey welcome back to the ga—OOOOOOOOOOOOOH MY GOD HOLY SHIT EDDIE ROSARIO” is what you would have heard if I was the one calling the game.

Three run dong on the first pitch he saw, uplifting the spirits of an entire state before their minds even had time to realize they were watching baseball again instead of some Outback Steakhouse commercial or some shit.

It was an amazing moment, watching the morale of Twins fans 180 within a split second. Save that one in your memory banks, it might just turn out to be a very important moment in a very good season.

(I also very briefly thought I was going to get in trouble for tweeting this without thinking:)

Eddie’s dong didn’t just energize the fans, it energized his team right the heck up. In the 8th the bomba boyz were truly back as Mitch Garver and C.J. Cron both blasted solo bombs for some sweet sweet insurance. Taylor Rogers wouldn’t need it however, as he pulled of a 2 inning save without allowing a run.

Hell yeah!

STUDS: EDDDDDDDDDDDDDIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
(also Gibson and Rogers)

DUDS: NONE! NONE I SAY!

LIST OF COOL WINNERS WHO LIKE WINNING AND HAPPINESS

# Commenter # Comments
1 SooFoo Fan 55
2 oofda22 45
3 CG19 27
4 TawnyFroggy 25
5 Joefishy 25
6 Joel Hernandez 22
7 Lars in SLP 21
8 Mrmumph 20
9 doomsdayshark 19
10 bf4mvp 19
11 mnsportswopwopwah 15
12 CarlJ47 13
13 TJ Gorsegner 13
14 Titus Decker 13
15 Asthix 9
16 Sheldon 7
17 jchcios 5
18 Imakesandwichesforaliving 4
19 Uncle Lincoln 4
20 Gunnarthor 3
21 Brandon Brooks 3
22 gintzer 2
23 traj737 2
24 Devereaux 1
25 geomyidae 1
26 DBTwinsfan 1
27 Name-Game 1

Comment of the thread goes to....Joel??????? Haha, nah! Brandon gets it, executive decisions. Deal w/it.

Personal crap: I took a long leave of absence (You probably didn’t notice because I don’t write that often anyway hahahaha) due to a particularly bad bout of depression and anxiety putting me into a very unsafe mental place. Thanks to everyone on the staff who covered for me, you guys are great and I don’t deserve you! I still feel awful (though less so with this amazing Twins win!) and even the idea of people reading this recap makes me want to puke in horror. So if this sucks, bear with me! Writing here is the best thing in my life and I’ll keep finding a way to do it until the heat death of the universe.