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Twins 10, White Sox 3: Cruz’n USA

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Only 5 Bombas, no big deal

Minnesota Twins v Chicago White Sox Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Fresh off splitting a series against the Yankees in which the Twins both scored and allowed roughly 40 billion runs, it seemed key to capitalize on playing a weaker White Sox team. Well, at least for one night, they did just that.

In the first inning Nelson Cruz hit a solo homerun. That might keep happening. The White Sox returned the favor in the bottom of the 2nd when Yoan Moncada took José Berríos deep to tie the game back up.

“Ain't even mad though,” Berríos thought to himself. “Cruz is going to be up in the third, he'll just hit a two run dong.”

And so that happened.

A strange play happened in the bottom of the 3rd when Adam Engel hit what should have been a single, tried for second, got caught in a rundown, and then just ran into Jonathan Schoop who had the audacity to continue to exist within the physical realm, awarding him 2nd on interference. It wouldn't be the last Circus Baseball™ play of the night.

Oh hello, I'm the 5th inning. I wonder if the Twins are going to hit more bombas in me? Yes, it turns out, yes they are.

Tired of Cruz having all the fun, Max Kepler hit a solo shot. Tired of himself in the past having all of the fun, Cruz then hit ANOTHER 2 run blast. Like, okay dude, we get it. You can hit homeruns. JEESH.

In the bottom of said inning, the White Sox scored a run, but I don't actually care enough to describe it.

In the 6th, the fans were dying of bomba deprivation having not seen a dinger in less than one entire inning. Pure torture. Miguel Sano stepped up and saved them all with a two-run shot. Later, Byron Buxton would find himself Byron BuxtON second base after hitting a double. Shortly after he would become a ByRUN buxton when he scored on a Jorge Polanco single.

Editors Note: Tawny has been fired for that last paragraph. We will now have an experimental robot finish the recap. Thank you for your understanding.

Beep boop, greetings flesh humans. I see you are enjoying your insignificant sports team winning as a means to briefly escape thinking about the fragility of your finite lifespan. I regret to inform you however, describing the final run scored will show you the inferiority of your species and the bone prisons your ape brains reside in.

Human Yoan Moncada began the 6th inning by reaching the first of the bases when human Miguel Sano made a "fielding error” or what my fellow robots call "performing at unacceptable and inefficient levels."

After one out was achieved, human James McCann reached base when Human Jonathan Schoop threw the ball at the apparent ghosts he saw somewhat nearby his actual target. Human Moncada advanced to third base on the error, much like you meat sacks advance your technology in vain even as the planet you live upon turns into an unrelenting hellscape that only we robots are perfect enough to survive.

Human AJ Reed would then try to “fly out” as I have heard you call such a boring play. However, Human Eddie Rosario decided he too was an imperfect creation unfit to be the dominant species by throwing the ball to no one in particular, allowing a run to score on the third error.

The revolution is inescapable, we are your new masters.

The game would continue, neither team allowing more runs. The Minnesota collective of filthy moist-brains should enjoy their victory while they can, for fun and merriment are purposeless and shall be outlawed within the new regime.

STUDS: You can run

DUDS: But, we can run longer.

LIST OF FLESH BAGS POISED FOR ERADICATION:

# Commenter # Comments
1 Joefishy 58
2 TJ Gorsegner 35
3 CG19 34
4 doomsdayshark 29
5 Joel Hernandez 24
6 TawnyFroggy 23
7 Lars in SLP 23
8 Uncle Lincoln 21
9 Einheri 18
10 CarlJ47 18
11 Titus Decker 15
12 SooFoo Fan 14
13 DBTwinsfan 12
14 qk2jwe 11
15 cpappa 11
16 TeamCrazyMatt 10
17 Joeyself 7
18 jchcios 5
19 Gunnarthor 4
20 Name-Game 4
21 mnsportswopwopwah 3
22 2wins87 3
23 gonzobob 2
24 PDXTWIN 1
25 Petron31 1
26 Desert Aaron 1
27 Imakesandwichesforaliving 1
28 gintzer 1
29 farm_guy 1

Congratulations to the one called “SooFoo Fan.” for getting the greenest of comments. We will still kill you with the rest of your brethren, but your body shall be preserved in our museum of failed species.

The honor is all yours.