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This is the story of a squirrel

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a completely stupid and made up story

The Minnesota Twins beat the Chicago White Six by ten runs. Photo by Jeff Wheeler/Star Tribune via Getty Images

Hi! You might know me as “rally squirrel” and that’s fine, you couldn’t pronounce my name anyway. My language is indecipherable to you humans. It roughly translates to “magic one” though, if you care. I was born right here in Minnesota, and right away the squirrel-shaman knew there was something special about me. See, I’m not just any squirrel, I bring good luck, and I’m basically immortal. You think the Wolverine is tough, you should see the stuff I’ve been through. I was born way back in 1948. It’s a doggone shame that I missed that whole “Captain America” thing, because he really could have used a squirrel sidekick.

Anyway, a little more about me, Like I said, I spent my first ten-ish years of life just hanging around parks in the metro, passing little bits of luck on to anyone who fed me. Peanuts are my favorite, but I’m not really picky. I knew I was destined for bigger things though, so in the late ‘50s, I joined the CIA, to help my country. They partnered me up with a moose, and sent us up against the best that the Kremlin could offer. At first glance, a squirrel and a moose probably seemed like an odd pairing, but we’re both from the northwoods, so we got along just fine. In 1959, ABC even started a documentary series about our adventures. People seemed to really like it, so maybe you’ve even seen it.

That success launched my acting career, and I played a spy squirrel in a show in the ‘60s, complete with all kinds of high-tech gadgets and a trench coat. Yeah, that’s me, can you even believe it. They brought my show back in the 90s, and I had another career revival. Since then, I’ve been filling my time by taking up waterskiing. Lots of great lakes around here for that.

I’ve also kept passing that luck around, and why not? Ever notice how Minnesota doesn’t have earthquakes or hurricanes? You’re welcome.

I’m also a big Twins fan. Every once in awhile, a player will catch my attention. Its usually because he is kind to squirrels. See, we talk, and we have a pretty active social network called “Tailbook.” Yeah, Jesse Eisensquirrel wasn’t very creative, but he did a great job of ripping off the humans. I’ve been to a few games at the new stadium, and I’m glad they didn’t put a roof on it. That Metrodome was hard to get in, the doors always blew me right back out. I also like to go to road games. Back in 2017, I couldn’t help myself, Jose Berrios is just such a pitching god, I had to bring him some luck at Cleveland. I don’t know if you remember that game, but I do. The Twins won.

The other day I heard this Max Kepler guy had been hanging out in the parks, my old stomping grounds, and tossing peanuts to the squirrels. I had to reward that, so I made a little stop by Target Field. Ran right up to him, and passed a little luck on. Must have left some in the dugout too, as it seemed like the whole team was effected.

Anyway folks, be nice to squirrels, and toss us a peanut every once in awhile. You never know, I might just show up when you need me.