The ballad of super Jake Cave and his magical Uniform

Once every few weeks, Jake Cave emerges from the mythical Cave for Jakes and blesses the Twins with a streaky bat and some shaky outfield defense. However, one weekend, everything was different.

Jake Cave woke up on Friday, August 23, 2019, feeling good. Jake emerged from his dank yet cozy cave ready to play some baseball on this fine first day of “Players’ Weekend.” Although he’d admit it to no one, he kind of liked the glaringly white, mime-inspired uniforms the Twins would be wearing that weekend. He always had felt stronger with the name “Caveman” on his back, and the white-on-white-on-white duds made him feel faster, like white lightning. He had been struggling at the plate lately, but he had a strange feeling he was about to destroy some baseballs.

When Jake donned the uniform before the game, an aura came over him. Suddenly, he didn’t feel like Jake Cave, Minnesota Twins AAAA outfielder. He felt like Mike Trout, like Mickey Mantle, like one of the game’s greats.

Fellow Twins outfielder Max Kepler observed the eerie change in his teammate before the game. “Yeah, it was really weird. Jake put on that blank jersey and he almost jumped out of his spikes. He just goes, ‘Get money get paid!’ and sprints out to the field faster than that squirrel from the other day. It was the craziest thing.”

After that, the stats speak for themselves:

Before Players’ Weekend:

AVG: .258

OPS: .719

HR: 2

During Players’ Weekend:

AVG: .444

OPS: 2.101 (!!!!!!)

HR: 3

After Players’ Weekend:

AVG: .000

OPS: .250

HR: 0

There you have it, folks. The Players’ Weekend jerseys turned Jake Cave from Jason Tyner into Rod Carew. He even made a terrific catch in the left field corner, to boot. Like Batman has his utility belt and the biblical Samson has his hair, Jake Cave has his all-white Players’ Weekend uniform. Rob Manfred—let Jake wear it all the time, you coward.

Small sample sizes are fun, aren’t they?