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Not-at-all-made-up Twins injury update

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This a a fishing state, for goodness’ sakes — we’ve got enough leeches to remove the Foul Humours.

‘Mars and Venus, or Sir Cecil chastised’, 1784. Artist: Samuel Collings
the Twins’ training staff at work I KID I KID
Photo by Guildhall Library & Art Gallery/Heritage Images/Getty Images

No Cleveland fan will lament the Twins’ recent spate of injuries, because that’s how Minnesota was able to overcome every preseason prediction imaginable; Cleveland got hurt. A lot. It just seems that many Twins players have been injured all at once quite recently. Poor luck, to be sure, but such things are hardly to be helped.

While updates on the known injuries will be made available here and on the Twins’ official website when available, here’s a chance to check in on the injuries you haven’t heard of yet. Along with each player’s Estimated Time of Ailmentlessness.

Randy Dobnak / Devin Smeltzer: Wearing glasses on field. ETA: Whenever science discovers how to fix NERD

C.J. Cron: [initial] J. [last name] syndrome. Effects are various and unpredictable. ETA: However long it takes to watch clips of all Pierzynski’s fights on mute while listening to Rid Of Me until he really gets it

Willians Astudillo: Overabundance of cool. ETA: it’s a permanent condition

Ehire Adrianza: Accursed vampirism. ETA: First needs to find whomever bit him and destroy them with sunlight

Bert Blylevn: Hiding vampire teeth. ETA: Tuesday

Trevor “Ford” May: Burns sustained ironing own shirt while wearing it. ETA: Sewwwwwwwn

Taylor “Bartlett” Rogers: Ripped fingernails sustained trying to disable pay-per-view cable filter in hotel room for porn viewing. ETA: As soon as irony of this injury happening right before HD porn became free on Internet stops being funny

Sergio Romo: Executive afterthoughtitis: ETA: Once corporate executives admit to making poor season predictions, AKA we’ll all be waiting a long time

Jose Berrios: Because you can’t have nice things. ETA: Because you can’t

Trevor Hildenberger: my Mom almost married a guy named Freiberger. ETA: I’m not making this up

Dan Gladden: Hanging out in Black Hills with huge guys on Harleys who have cute little pink handlebar baskets for their poodles. ETA: I’m not making this up either

Jason Castro: CIA overthrow syndrome. ETA: eternal

Jonathan Schoop: Salt’N’Pepa song + mouthwash brand pronunciation confusion. ETA: When ghost of Bob Casey returns and mispronounces every single name in Twins lineup

Tyler Duffey: overabundance of “Duff Man” references. ETA: When ghost of former TwinkieTown mainstay returns as “Disco Stu”

Luis Arraez / Mitch Garver / Jake Odorizzi / Jorge Polanco / Eddie Rosario : Phobia of wearing uniform, worried what fearsome woe will strike them next. ETA: You can’t outrun the grim bony fingers of doom, my friends, accept it now