Monday Morning Minnesota: Keep waiting edition

I’m considering digging a hole and then burying myself in it until my body remembers how to sleep, but before that I thought I would bring you all some of those “sweet links” you love so much. Bonus rambling a the end, yay?!

Previously on Twinkle Town:

• Ben hypes us all the expletive up by showing us just how much of a juggernaut the Twins lineup would be with Josh Donaldson in the middle. Now we just need to actually sign him!
• Sandwiches reported both on Miguel Sano’s shiny new extension, and the announcement of the coaching staffs for the Twins minor league affiliates. Hard working guy, that Sandwiches, everyone tell him how rad he is.
• Cooper rounded up all the arbitration news for all you arbitration fans out there.

Elsewhere in Twins Territory:

• The Ringer thinks the potential three-way AL Central race could be the most interesting division race to watch in 2020. Honestly I would prefer the Twins just dominate and I don’t have to worry until October. I have my own problems, I don’t need to be panic attacking about baseball on top of it!
• The Star Tribune profiles all-around cool lady and the Twins long time spring training box office supervisor, Patty Creem. I don’t know why I always love hearing about the regular people who keep the show running doing thankless jobs. If you ever sold hot dogs or some shit at Target Field, e-mail me. I’ll tell the world how cool you are.
• I probably won’t actually do that, sorry.
• Double Agent Cooper Carlson explains how Homer Bailey could actually be a really solid pitcher for the Twins in 2020.

Around the World in Bases and Ballzzzzzzz

• Another good profile piece here, this time a San Francisco Chronicle article on a former Giants prospect turned lawyer who is battling the MLB to get minor league players a living wage.
• Many words have been written about Yoenis Cespedes giving himself leg-death by falling in a hole while sidestepping a boar, which really feels like something that would have happened to a ballplayer in 1880, not 2019. Here’s more words on that! And here is more words on 1800s baseballers.

Old-Timey Baseballer of the Week:

Damn, what a glorious transition in the glorious return of this column. I’m so great at this writing thing.

Anyway, James Francis “Pud” Galvin was born in 1856 in the Irish neighborhood of Kerry Patch in St. Louis Missouri, and because all the best stories star 19th century Irishmen, little Pud was to be destined for both greatness and infamy.

Pud made his pro debut in 1875 for the St. Louis Brown Stockings (Eww.) Showing no loyalty to his home town, Pud switched teams the next season and played for the Buffalo Bisons, which is one hell of a confusing name. It was with the Bisons Buffalo that lil’ Pud made history, becoming the first pitcher to throw a no-hitter on the road, achieving the feat against the, sigh, Worcester Worcesters. Apparently naming a team something not dumb wasn’t invented until the 1900s.

Pud, whose nickname came from how his pitches made hitters look “like pudding” - whatever the crap that means - would have an illustrious career, winning 365 games (the first player to reach 300 wins) and landing himself in the hall of fame. No one cares about that, though. His wins will be forever shrouded by something else he’s known for.

300 Wins wasn’t his only first, Puddy Buddy was also the first player to try performance enhancing drugs. Galvin used an “elixir” concocted by Mauritanian physiologist Charles-Édouard Brown-Séquard, and yes I did have to copy and past that name. What was in this mighty elixir you ask? Why extract from monkey testicles of course. Sounds rad, inject me up bro. (Please don’t fire me for this, TJ.)

In his time no one cared about this, presumably because everyone was injecting various animal ball-juice into themselves and/or too busy worrying about dying of dysentery and becoming a member of the, ugh, brown stockings.

One last note on our hero before we go. You might not have imagined him too vividly in your head, but trust me, he looks EXACTLY like he should.

Anyway, here’s Crazy Bus.