"I'm not okay. Not okay at all. You know what would make me better though? A much-overdue statistical update." - Twinkie Town site overlord TJ Gorsegner to me on Twitter, November 27, 2019

Hi, TJ! I hope you found another way to feel better about Kyle Gibson leaving, because I was of absolutely no help at all!

As you may have noticed, it is currently not 2019. As is apparently my wont when the Twins make the playoffs (the 2017 edition of this here article was published in early 2018), I put this off and then halfheartedly hacked at it and came up with bupkus and then gave up for awhile and then hacked at it again and finally decided, "You know what? If I do not just buckle down and write this thing, the new season will have started and then it'll be a pain in the ass to click through the team pages for stats because they'll all default to 2020 and also TJ will be very disappointed in me."

My excuse (other than basic sloth), as it was in 2017, is that this column is WAY easier to write when the team sucks. The first time I did this was in 2011, which longtime Twins fans may remember as a hilarious garbage fire that featured nearly 100 losses and bilateral leg weakness and multiple players named "Rene". The Statistical Overview post was conceived as gallows humor, and I resurrected it a few years later during a similar hilariously bad stretch (during what, in fairness, became a good, fun season). I usually look for funny-bad stats, and the lack of those (for the most part) in 2019 was a bit of a mental block that made it hard for me to get started.

Really, though, I should have known better. As is often the case with great artists such as jazz musicians or serial killers, once I got "into the flow" the stats washed over me like a simile I was unprepared to complete, and suddenly I had a document full of ridiculous out-of-context garbage stats expertly-crafted analytical genius, ready for consumption by the ravenous Twinkie Town hordes.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
* Spiders? Yep
* Bartolo? Yep
* Denny Hocking? Ron Coomer? NICK PUNTO? Nope (hangs head in shame)

NOTES: All stats are from the 2019 regular season unless otherwise noted. No Twins players were harmed in the making of this feature, although I wouldn't mind taking a swing at Sam Dyson. Paternity statistics were based on my own personal knowledge and did not involve the services of Maury Povich.

PREVIOUS ENTRIES: 2011 Vol. 1, 2011 Vol. 2, 2011 Vol. 3, 2011 Vol. 4, 2015 Vol. 1, 2015 All-Star Edition, 2015 Vol. 3, 2016 Vol. 1, 2016 Season, 2017 Season, 2018 All-Star Edition, 2018 Season, 2019 All-Star Edition

Twins leader in On Base Percentage: Kyle Gibson
Twins leader in Fielding Independent Pitching: Ehire Adrianza

Players with 30+ home runs
2019 Twins: 5
1988-2005 Twins (combined): 0
1988 American League: 3

Players with 20+ home runs
2019 Twins: 8
1991-2000 Twins (combined): 8

Slugging Percentage
2019 Twins: .494
Kent Hrbek (career): .481

OPS+
Byron Buxton (career): 87
Torii Hunter (through age 25): 87
Kirby Puckett (through age 25): 86

At Bats per Home Run
Mitch Garver: 10.0
Nelson Cruz: 11.1
Miguel Sanó: 11.2
Babe Ruth (career): 11.8
Mark McGwire (career): 10.6

Slugging Percentage
Nelson Cruz: .639
Mitch Garver: .630
Harmon Killebrew (1961): .606 (career high)

Isolated Power
Mitch Garver: .357
Miguel Sanó: .329
Nelson Cruz: .328
Harmon Killebrew (1961): .318 (career high)
Babe Ruth (career): .348

Strikeout Percentage
Miguel Sanó: 36.2% (Twins record, min 300 plate appearances)
Are you going to reuse the stat where no player has struck out at a higher rate than Sanó: Of course, because I am a hack
Number of players with as many at-bats as Miguel Sanó and a higher strikeout rate (career): 0

Home Runs:
2019 Twins: 307
1979-1981 Twins (combined): 258
But 1981 was only a partial season: Fine...
1976-1978 Twins (combined): 286
Is that still less than 307: Yes

Stolen Bases
2019 Twins: 28
Christian Yelich: 30
Twins' rank in MLB if they were a single person: 9th (tie)

On-Base Plus Slugging
2019 Twins: .832
Joe Mauer (career): .827

OPS+
2019 Twins: 117
Tom Brunansky (1987): 118 (career high)

ERA+
2019 Twins: 110
Jim Kaat (career): 108

Slugging Percentage
2019 Twins: .494
1927 Yankees: .488

Stolen Base Percentage
2019 Twins: 57.1%
Kent Hrbek (career): 58.7%
Max Kepler: 16.7%
Cecil Fielder (career): 25%
Jim Thome (career): 48.7%
Jim Thome (age 30+): 18.2%
Max Kepler's Age: 26

Isolated Power
2019 Twins: .224
Prince Fielder (career): .223

Sacrifice Hits
2019 Twins: 10
Leury Garcia: 11
You made that name up: I am unable to make up the name "Leury"

Intentional Walks
Nelson Cruz: 8
Seattle Mariners: 7

Miguel Sanó's Fielding Percentage: .926
Rank among MLB players with 600+ defensive innings: 209th
MLB players wtih 600+ defensive innings: 209
Josh Donaldson signing: Good

Complete Games
2019 Twins: 1
Old Hoss Radbourne (1884): 73

ERA
Baltimore Orioles: 5.59
Pat Mahomes (career): 5.47

Children Playing in the Super Bowl
Baltimore Orioles: 0
Pat Mahomes: 1

On-Base Plus Slugging
Detroit Tigers: .682
Luis Rivas (career): .681

Children Managing Twins Minor League Affiliates
Detroit Tigers: 1
Luis Rivas: 0

Walks and Hits per Inning Pitched
Martin Perez: 1.518
Bartolo Colon (2018, last active season): 1.346
Are you implying that the Twins should have replaced Perez with Bartolo: I am not not implying it

Winning Percentage
Twins (postseason), 2003-2019: .095
1899 Cleveland Spiders: .130

Ugh: I'm not done...

Run Differential Per Game
2019 Twins (postseason): -5.3
1899 Cleveland Spiders: -4.7

(deep sigh): Yeah, buddy, I know

Okay... ready for one more: Here you go...

Postseason Losses
2020 Twins: 0

Let's do this: YES