These are desperate times for people trying to write about sports, and baseball in particular. Some of the creative ways in which people are providing content is nothing short of remarkable. We’ve risen (or fallen) depending on one’s point of view to considering “houses” to assess how we’d group people we’ve never met, but who we see on TV or who we listen to on the radio. The truth is, many people are so desperate for entertainment that our links to baseball at this point, are pretty tenuous, and it’s a credit to both the writers and the readers that they are trying so hard to keep thinking about something that isn’t happening.
People are making up simulated games, which then produce simulated records, and simulated stats, while the grim reality of nothing much happening around us is never far from our mindsets, since it’s all just make-believe after all.
So, in this new tradition of completely making stuff up, I propose that MLB moves a few teams around, just to keep things interesting. I’ll try to be sensitive to issues like “contraction” and teams moving, because Minnesotans know all too well, the fear and loathing that surrounded potential contraction of the Twins in the early 21st century, and/or a potential move to Charlotte, NC.
Most of us don’t believe the move was ever a real possibility, but it was still a very negative period in Twins history. Hockey fans remember the move of the North Stars to Dallas, and that was a true slapshot to the face of the State of Hockey. We can forgive, but we can’t forget, and the best uniform in hockey history, just left, and then their arena, without a trace, all gone. Sad.
But enough about pain for Minnesota. It’s time to consider some moves that would spice up MLB a bit for the future.
So, number one, move the Brewers. Sure, they have a nice stadium and a good team, but in the spirit of pettiness and an inability to forgive, it was Bud Selig who conspired with Carl Pohlad to cause great pain to Twins fans, so I say, revenge is sweet, and welcome to Portland, Oregon, or even Omaha….that would teach them! Miller Beer replaced with all sorts of trendy craft brews, the indignity of it all would serve them right.
Move number two: The Rays have got to go. Seriously. I think if Rocco himself, was placed on truth serum, even he’d say that the fanbase just isn’t up to it. Red Sox fans go there, when the Red Sox play there, and Yankees fans go there when the Yankees play there, but very few people are going to see the Rays, and who among us wants to make life even better for Yankees or Red Sox fans…so welcome to Indianapolis. They can even keep the name, as I’ve been to Indianapolis and the sun shines there too...occasionally.
Move number three strikes at tradition a bit more, but it’s time. The A’s move to Las Vegas and become the Pass/Fails….or if we want to focus on the name “Athletics,” they can become instead the “Couch Potatoes” to more fairly represent their fan base.
Finally, The Marlins. Again, like the Brewers, a nice new domed stadium, but, and I mean this as politely as I can, nobody cares. Nobody. Move them to New Orleans, change the name to crawfish, or to Louisville, call them the secretariats and call it a day.
Nobody will be moving to Charlotte, because, as with Milwaukee, they are not forgiven for being part of the ruse to terrify Twins fans. There you have it, a few simple moves, the teams in question have nothing but time to pack their bags, change their logos, and seek a fresh beginning. Then, whenever baseball starts again, we’ll have renewed interest across the country.
Or at least there will be renewed interest in Portland, Indianapolis, and New Orleans, while in Miami and St. Petersburg, nobody will have noticed that their teams have left. Sure, Milwaukee fans will be bitter, but they’re resilient, I mean, they live in Milwaukee after all. (That was truly a gratuitous cheap shot as Milwaukee is actually a vastly underrated city, or at least an underrated city, but I’m bitter still and bitterness often overtakes reason).
Anyway, these are just ideas, and clearly, they aren’t based on anything other than an abundance of free time, in other words, I’m just making stuff up out of nothing, but talking about nothing, is becoming the new normal when it comes to sports in America.