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The Twins Lineup, as.... Cars

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Not the blog you wanted, but the blog you needed

Photo by Harry How/Getty Images

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s the story you’ve all been waiting for. If each member of the 2020 Twins lineup were a car, what car would they be? (Translation: I like cars and baseball, maybe other people do. Blog ideas are hard these days).

Jose Berrios, Pitcher - 1998 Jaguar XK-8

The staff “ace” for the Twins is a good match for the Jaguar sports cars from the turn of the century. While more current models have become more reliable, the older Jags required lots of maintenance and became unreliable as the miles piled up. Like these cars, Berrios is a luxury, top-of-the-line pitcher in the first half of the season, but becomes unreliable as the innings pile up towards the end of the season.

Mitch Garver, Catcher - 1966 Ford GT40 Mk II

The out-of-nowhere star-making performance of Garver in 2019 was reminiscent of the 1966 Ford GT40 Mk II. The subject car of the 2019 film Ford vs. Ferrari, the GT40 was the first high-performance racing Ford, which upset racing royalty Ferrari at the 1966 24 hours of Le Mans. Like this car, Garver came out of nowhere last year to unseat Yasmani Grandal and J.T. Realmuto in the “best hitting catcher” conversation.

Miguel Sano, First Base - 2020 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk

Our gargantuan first baseman combines incredible power with surprising speed and nimbleness, which makes him a perfect match for the 2020 Jeep Grand Cherokee Trackhawk. The SUV packs 707 horsepower under the hood, and despite its size can reach 60 MPH in just 3.3 seconds. Likewise, I think we can all attest that Sano is much faster and more agile than you’d assume for someone that looks like this:

Luis Arraez, Second Base - 2007 Volkswagen Golf GTI

The diminutive second baseman draws a comparison to this sporty hatchback from Volkswagen. Known to be very reliable and very fun to drive, this “hot hatch” more than makes up for a lack of pure power. Just like the car, Arraez isn’t overly powerful but is incredibly reliable at the plate and is very fun to watch play.

Josh Donaldson, Third Base - 2007 Chevrolet Corvette

Former MVP Josh Donaldson draws a comparison to the 2007 Chevrolet Corvette more for story line than for playing style. Like Donaldson in 2020, the 2007 Corvette is not the very best model year. However, the 2007 ‘Vette was still very, very good and could boast of its legendary past. 2020 Donaldson likely won’t be the best iteration of the stud third baseman, but that is only due to his MVP-level peak.

Jorge Polanco, Shortstop - Any NASCAR car from the past 10 years

Jorge Polanco is certainly a top-tier shortstop in today’s game. He is not without his flaws, but the AL All-Star starter from last season is a stud with the bat in his hands. Like Polanco, modern stock cars are certainly top-tier cars. However, they don’t really do anything but go fast and turn left. Likewise, Polanco really only hits the ball at a high level.

Eddie Rosario, Left Field - 2015 Land Rover Range Rover

The longtime left fielder for the Twins is certainly a fan favorite. He’s certainly had his big moments with the team, but is not without his faults. The 2015 Range Rover (and really any other model year) is a big name in luxury SUV’s - it’s powerful and people love it. However, it’s known to be extremely unreliable. Like the car, Eddie rounds off his high peaks with very low valleys - his big moments mask the unreliability of his play from day-to-day.

Byron Buxton, Centerfield - 2019 Bugatti Veyron Super Sport

It’s really, really fast, and when it hits a wall, it breaks. That’s it. That’s the tweet.

Max Kepler, Right Field - 1983 Porsche 911

The handsome right fielder for the Twins had something of a breakout year last year after a few years of “will he, won’t he”. However, he still may have his best years ahead of him. The 1983 911 was a good year for a car that took awhile to really find its rhythm. However, it would only get better in the following years. Furthermore, both our beloved Maximilian and the beautiful Porsche hail from Germany.

Nelson Cruz, Designated Hitter - 2012 Ford F-350

The ageless wonder of the Twins draws a comparison to a truck that is reliable in a class where it is rare. The 2012 Ford F-350 has been found to be remarkably reliable for a hulking, heavy-duty pickup truck. The F-350 features incredible power and torque. Just the same, Boomstick has been remarkably reliable for many years, despite his advanced age. He’s kept his body in great shape so that he can age much better than most sluggers. Finally, he features incredible power and generates great torque with his swing.

If you made it this far, kudos to you! I hope you enjoyed this entirely pointless exercise. However, I would like to hear your thoughts on these comparisons! Can you think of any better ones? How about comparisons for other/former Twins? Drop them in the comment section!