The mighty and bespectacled and totally-a-guy-I-remembered-existed Tyler Clippard opened for the Twins. “It appears you are trying to bullpen through a Major League Baseball game” ol’ Clippy said. “Do you need help with that?”
And for then next 9 innings Clippard and the other members of the renowned boy-band “The Bullpen Boyz” would show us how it is done.
First we had Clippard himself go 2 innings without allowing a single base-runner. He slowly walked off the mound, the glint of his prescription sportsman’s spectacles reflecting the sunlight, almost majestically like a ray of adoration from the sun god himself.
Meanwhile the offense scored him 2 runs, 1 in the first when Max Kepler lead off with a triple turned ground rule double, and was knocked in by Jorge Polanco. The other in the second due to a saucy dong off the bat of Mitch Garver. No I will not apologize for writing “saucy dong.” do not ask.
Devin Smeltzer got the next 2.2 innings. He’s the wild card of the group. Y’know the one always standing with his arms crossed, back to the camera, turning to look as if that’s a natural position for a human to be in. He’s crazy! You never know what he’ll do! He might give up one run in the 4th off a single by Francisco Lindor, but it’ll be fine because in the previous inning the Twins scored a third run when Kepler again scored this time from a Nelson Cruz single.
In the 5th Matt Wisler came in with 2 outs and no one on because Devin Smeltzer wandered off or something. He’s just a touring member who they won’t let be in any of the official photos. He finished the inning and pitched a scoreless 6th or whatever, who cares? Most people fell asleep around this time anyway.
The Bad Boy of the group Tyler Duffey came in for the 7th, and yet another scoreless inning. Girls everywhere swooned as he struck out 2 of the 3 men he faced. His past may be shady, but they know they could be the one to fix him.
Next was Trevor May, the sensitive one who never seems to get any solos, and might leave the group to play Fortnight full time. He’s your mom’s favorite member because he “seems like a nice boy.” He struck out 3, and allowed the first baserunner in what felt like a decade thanks to a fielding error by Ehire Adrianza at 3rd.
Coming in for the 9th was the party boy and showoff who always seems to be leaning against a wall, Sergio Romo and his amazing beard. Pitching a 1-2-3 inning and reveling in the (fake) applause of all his adoring fans as The Bullpen Boyz lead the Twins to yet another victory!
STUDS: The Bullpen Boyz!!!!
No really, Cleveland got TWO hits the entire game. The pitching was on point!
DUDS: NO DUDZ TWINS WIN!
Robotic Rolling Call:
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And the Gold, Bronze, AAAAND Silver medals, in that order, all go to Can’t Read Good! Congrats, please e-mail me your credit card info, social security, home address, and mother’s maiden name to receive your prize!