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Royals 11, Twins 6: Philosophers’ roundtable

Being the quest to Know All about what goes on in baseball dugout conversations, and other matters.

Minnesota Twins v Detroit Tigers
discuss amongst themselves
Photo by Duane Burleson/Getty Images

This one really isn’t worth going into. Byron Buxton was good, Twins “starter” John Gant was bad, seemingly everyone else within baseball-throwing distance of either the stadium or broadcast booth or a keyboard to bounce a baseball off for a “jhgfjhycv” gamethread comment was bored...

Much awful baseball was made.

So, instead, we'll bring you inside the Twins dugout during one of several innings when Kansas City scored multiple points. I may/may not have installed hidden microphones/cameras (I may/may not Know People in Missouri), but I will disclose no names, as part of my sacred Sportsblogger Oath.

What’s everybody doing this weekend? Besides (tilts head to baseball field) this boring stuff, I mean.

I was thinking of visiting the Negro Leagues Baseball Museum here. Everyone says it’s great.

Oh, you gotta go. (All express agreement).

So, what else do you do in Kansas City?

They’re known for bar-B-que.

So what? Everyplace in the Confederacy claims it has great bar-B-que. It’s a thing with these honkies. Besides, barbecue was invented in the Caribbean, anyways.

The zoo? Do they have a good zoo?

Why would you want to go to a zoo? All those animals in cages, it’s sad.

I like the penguins.

Penguins scare me.

How can penguins scare you?

They look like pallbearers.

No they don’t! They look like waiters!

What restaurants are you going to?

What funerals are you going to?

Guys, guys, let’s clear this up. Penguins were waiters in Mary Poppins. They were pallbearers in Batman Returns.

I just have visions of my coffin being carried by penguins. It's spooky.

Penguins couldn’t carry a coffin.

Well, maybe lots of them could.

Why are you scared of death, anyways? It's a dreamless sleep.

You wake up from sleep. I like waking up.

Every morning? When you're achy and have to get to the stadium?

Not then.

When you're old, you'll be achy all the time.

Why the f**k is that, though?

People get old.

No, I mean, why do people get old?

It's an evolutionary advantage. Organisms balance a brief spurt of activity, like insects, versus a longer period of less activity, like old trees. Trees outlive insects. Insects can kill trees. It's all in the game, man.

But why is that?

Some kind of conservation of energy, I think. Rules of matter.

Where'd those rules come from?

The Big Bang.

Where'd that come from?

All the matter in the universe was infinitely compressed--...

Yeah, I know that! But where'd the matter come from?

God, maybe?

Where'd God come from?

He's just God.

Well, that makes no more sense than the matter in the universe coming from nothing.

Does if it’s God.

But if it's God, why do kids have cancer?

Kids with cancer go to Heaven.

Sure, but why do kids get cancer anyways? God made everything, right?

Not Rob Manfred.

That's my point! God made Rob Manfred! He made kids with cancer! He made us get old and sick! Why?

To test our souls. To see who goes to Heaven.

But God made us! Why not make everyone go to Heaven? Why'd God make people who go to Hell? Why make mean people who hurt other people?

Right! I don’t give one of my dogs treats when it bites people, punish the other when it's nice, then bring them back to life after they die to torture the biter and reward the nice one, when they had opposite rewards in life! That's crazy!

But God doesn't reward/torture people in this life, other people do.

Why? Why'd God design it that way?

See, that's why I say it all came from the Big Bang, there isn’t a God.

Nobody's answered where the Big Bang came from! If it didn’t come from God, what was it?

(Much heated squabbling occurs, until...)

Guys, guys, guys! Settle down! I have the answer to all this.

(All await patiently. The player with the answer closes his eyes, scrunches his face tightly, and lets out a resounding fart. The others start waving towels in his direction.)

Oh, my God...

Talk about a Big Bang...

(Meanwhile, somewhere, Bert Blylevn takes out a quill pen, wets it with goat’s blood, and starts scratching on papyrus, "in the big inning"...)

No Robot Roll Call tonight, although some credit is due to norff for Kinda Trying to make this an actual gamethread before it died.

Tomorrow’s game is at 6:10! I’m more interested to see if anybody bothers with a gamethread or recap on Sunday! Whatever occurs, maybe I’ll catch you later, folks!