38 Tasks Lew Ford Performed on Fiverr During the Canceled 2020 Baseball Season

Ebony Cox, Milwaukee Journal Sentinel via Imagn Content Services, LLC

In early March, despite both a global pandemic and a complete reorganization of the minor and independent leagues, former Twins outfielder and World of Warcraft guru Lew Ford, 44, was able to once again sign a contract to serve as a professional baseball player for the 2021 season. Ford's career, which is older than the MCU, as inspirational as the plant from Wall-E, and as illustrative of the value of hustle over skill as Galaxy Quest, reminds us both that good things are still possible in the universe and that there can never be too many science fiction references in an article about Lew Ford.

However, with the Atlantic League shut down in 2020 due to the COVID-19 pandemic, Ford was temporarily at loose ends and forced to resort to the gig economy. This publication was able to track down and compile a list of Ford's completed tasks between January 2020 and March 2021 on the freelancing website, where he has an aggregate rating of 3.2 stars.

  • I will post the word "DOGECOIN" to your Twitter account

"Lew was also willing to tell the SEC he wasn't actually me." - E Musk

  • I will be the lighting technician for your movie

"Excellent job on our moviefilm, except one key scene anyway." - S Baron-Cohen

  • I will be your personal moustache groomer

"Lew did an excellent job at first, but my moustache got a little worse as the season went along and now nobody trusts it anymore." - R. Dobnak

  • I will be an analyst on your baseball broadcast

"I think he was one of the guys in here this year, yeah. There was a plexiglas wall in the booth. It was confusing." - D. Bremer

  • I will perform an in-depth FBI background check on Brett Kavanaugh

"The date on this is wrong. It was done in 2018. I'm just sure of it." - C. Wray

  • I will perfect your business strategy

"Lew showed us how to take our company to new heights." - GameStop Corp.

  • I will win the presidential election for you in Wisconsin

"Waited until the last minute, and didn't do as good a job as we wanted, but came through eventually." - K. Harris

  • I will organize a major sporting event

"Got it confused with the Puppy Bowl again." - R. Goodell

  • I will beta-test your Mars rover

"Insisted on trying the 'seven minutes of terror' landing dozens of times." - NASA

  • I will meet up with you at the Four Seasons

"NOSHOW" - R. Giuliani
(This review is contested.)

  • I will play power forward for your basketball team

"I honestly can't remember all the people who did this. He might have." - R. Saunders

  • I will coordinate your exit from the European Union

"It was late, it was over-budget, but nobody else could have gotten it done." - B. Johnson

  • I will run your presidential campaign.

"I really appreciate those eleven days." - M. Bloomberg

  • I will get you toilet paper

"A lifesaver." - Name not shared

  • I will get you a Playstation 5

"So disappointed after the toilet paper." - Name not shared

  • I will exterminate your murder hornets

"No one seems to care about them anymore, so I guess he must have." - The Associated Press

  • I will ban TikTok in the United States

"He kept saying it was almost done until time ran out and then we never heard from him again" - TikTok User

  • I will take care of your tigers

"Thank god someone is interested in actually doing this necessary work." - American Zookeepers' Association

  • I will watch Quibi

"We were unable to verify completion of this task." - Fiverr staff

  • I will photograph any man with a bible

"Don't ask what he's willing to do to get that picture." - City of Washington, DC

  • I will live in a bubble for your music video

"He absolutely won't let those evil robots win." - W. Coyne

  • I will drive a snowplow

"We thought his experience in Minnesota would help. No." - City of Dallas

  • I will quantitatively ease, whatever that means

"Five trillion stars!" - J. Powell

  • I will temporarily store ten million barrels of West Texas Intermediate crude oil

"PLEASE GIVE IT BACK" - Name not shared

  • I will take over a South American country

"No-show. Totally unacceptable." - J Guaido

  • I will pretend to be a protester at an event of your choice

"I hire too many people to give individual reviews" - G Soros

  • I will normalize relations between Israel and the United Arab Emirates

"I appreciate Lew's help in this important and necessary task which was totally not just a publicity stunt." - B Netanyahu

  • I will eradicate polio in Africa

"Acceptable." - unsigned

  • I will exit the Paris Climate Accord

"Lew did a great job, the best job, he got us out of that agreement so fast, it was a very bad agreement." - D. Trump

  • I will re-enter the Paris Climate Accord

"I hired Lew for his experience in these matters, and he did not disappoint." - J Biden

  • I will create an AI to solve protein fording

"We wanted protein folding." - DeepMind

  • I will maintain your observatory to the highest standard

"Did you even see that there were wires?" - Arecibo

  • I will be a drummer in your band

"We tried to hire Lew but then decided it wasn't safe. Our bad. Can you say 'our bad'?" - N. Tufnel

  • I will make a hockey rink for you anywhere you like, even Lake Tahoe

"Lew is a class act, really great guy, always hard-working, one of the best people I've ever worked with, and that's why I've decided to suspend him for twelve games." - G. Bettman

  • I will write sports comedy articles for you

	"I was impressed by Lew's knowledge of the history of the field." 
- JI

  • I will help you move out of your office

"Lew knew exactly how to pack and unpack my collection of unique and valuable beer helmets." - R. Gardenhire

  • I will create a featureless void

"Though advertised as 'featureless,' the void that Lew provided was in fact very feature-complete." - J Oliver

  • I will teach you how to win a playoff game


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