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Twins team alchemist discovers powerful element in Kyle Garlick’s sweat


Minnesota Twins v Tampa Bay Rays
You may insert your preferred Garlick/garlic pun here.
Photo by Brace Hemmelgarn/Minnesota Twins/Getty Images

Kyle Garlick earned the final spot on the Twins active roster after a white-hot spring and has slashed .417/.462/.583 in his first six games with Minnesota.

Team alchemist Del Sagdemi believes he has discovered why.

“After collecting sweat from the player and running it through a centrifuge, I have isolated an as-yet undiscovered element,” Sagdemi said. “I believe this to be the source of the player’s power.”

The element, which Sagdemi has dubbed Bombite, is “produced naturally by the muscle-building process” (he states) and “allows for a powerful swing.”

“If I am correct, the element, in the presence of a baseball and bat, causes a significant improvement in the ball’s launch angle,” he added.

Sagdemi, who has studied alchemy for the past seven hundred years, says he has yet to analyze the sweat of other players, but expects to find confirmation of his discovery.

“I was not with the team during the year of the origin of the Bomba Squad, but I expect the quantity of Bombite in that dugout would have broken any scale,” he said.

“Of course, I could be mistaken,” he admitted. “All of this could be as simple as natural talent. That is the most logical explanation.

“But if I accepted the most logical explanation, I wouldn’t be much of an alchemist.”