Look, I want to write about this awful team as much as you want to read about them. However, we here at Twinkie Town are no fair-weather fans, and it is still too early to give up for the year. Still, a team this intent on breaking your heart and spirit requires a few extra precautions, so here is a handy guide on how to safely and successfully watch the 2021 Minnesota Twins.
Step 1: Prepare Your Mind and Body
I’ve got some bad news for you, potential Twins watcher: You are going to want to cry. You are going to want to vomit. You are going to want to wing that remote through your television screen like its Christmas 06 and you just got a Wii and want to collect some sweet class-action lawsuit money.
But we aren’t gonna do any of those things. Those are things we will be calling “Inappropriate Twins Watching Behaviors” or “ITWBs.” To avoid performing any ITWBs, further pissing off your spouse until they leave you, we are going to have to train our bodies and minds like we’re gosh-darned Shaolin Monks.
If you can meditate before the game, this may help keep you in control of your emotions during the inevitable parade of ineptitude you are about to witness. If meditation is a bit too new-agey for you, another alternate we here at Twinkie Town support is drinking heavily. Drink until your eyes are too foggy to even let you see whatever embarrassing and unbelievable nonsense is on the screen.
“But Tawny!” Some of you may begin to ask, “What if I can’t drink?” Well then, I would personally suggest getting to know the guy on your corner who knows how to get the good stuff.
“But Tawny!” You again begin to ask, “What if I don’t do drugs?” Simple.
(Fake Editors Note: Do not do drugs. We are not responsible for anything that may happen to you under the influence of drugs.)
Step 2: Avoid False Hope
Now that you are as prepared as can be, it is important to temper those expectations and to keep them tempered throughout the day. Do not trick your mind into thinking the Twins “are due for a win” or “are statistically unlikely to be this bad forever.” These are fallacies. Hope is the enemy, and the moment you let it in is the moment THE ENEMY WINS. We are not here to “Have fun watching a game.” We are here because of an inexplicable loyalty to a team of mercenaries and our own stubbornness. Never forget this.
The Twins may score a zillion runs. They may lead through 8 innings. They may load the bases with 0 outs. These are all traps. Do not fall for them or you will be lost to us. Forever.
Step 3: Don’t Actually Watch The Game
Just don’t do it! There are so many other things you could do with 3-4 whole ass hours. To name a few:
- Watch both Kangaroo Jack movies.
- Watch Game 7 of the 1991 World Series.
- Write a shitty article for Twinkie Town out of a sense of obligation.
- Make a nice pot roast.
- Play Castlevania.
- Purchase a theremin.
- Set up your theremin.
- Learn to play your theremin.
- Book a spot at an open mic night so you can perform with your theremin.
- Get booed off stage playing your theremin.
- Join an indie band.
- Write a song for your band’s new album “Oscillation Nation.”
- Go on tour.
- Perform for 6 kids in a basement.
- Re-evaluate your life.
- Crash your tour bus.
- Go for a nice nature walk.
Step 4: Enjoy the Humor of the Situation
The Twins are flailing around the field and doing oafish shenanigans like they are the pre-Trash Can Astros. Humor is a damn fine coping mechanism, and there is so much humor to be found in a team that is seemingly doing everything it can to lose baseball games. How many saves can one man blow in a single game? How many hilarious inept errors can the infield commit in an inning?
This is about to get oddly personal, but I can remember the worst day of my life pretty clearly. At one point I was on my hands and knees crawling out of a cop car in the middle of a crowded 4-way intersection so I could vomit my guts out on the sidewalk as the wind whipping about made sure everyone who looked by could see my underpants. Every single element of that day was horrible and terrible, but in that moment I just started to giggle because how was any of this even real? How hilariously dumb could this day be?
Things can’t get much worse than this, so let yourself enjoy the humor in it whenever you can. I can’t guarantee better days are coming for the 2021 Twins, but I can guarantee they probably won’t get any worse.