Twins 10, Mariners 2: A beautiful day for smashing dingers

Home opener went a heck of a lot better than the season opener for the Twins. José Berríos started the day with two more hitless innings, just to prove that he could, but the Mariners broke his string of perfection in the 3rd when Ty France hit an RBI single to put Seattle up early.

The Twins offense responded in exactly the way you would want them to respond. Jorge Polanco and Kyle Garlick lead off the inning with back to back doubles, tying the game back up at 1-1. An out (and another baserunner) later, the world would find out just how nicely Garlick goes with Garv Sauce, when Mitch Garver got his sauce all over every base with a huge three-run dinger.

Now when you are done thinking about the spicy and saucy interpersonal lives of Twins players, please follow me to the 5th inning where the Twins are just gonna score a metric butt-load of runs. Imagine a standard issue butt, and then about how many runs one could store inside. That many runs.

I don’t know, I’m sorry. I didn’t sleep well.

Anyway Byron Buxton is gonna homer. That might keep happening. Garver doubles, and is later singled in by Miguel Sano, which ended Seattle starter Marco Gonzalez’s day. Drew Steckenrider came in, presumably riding his stecken, to face Andrelton “Apparently I’m a batting champ now?” Simmons who also doubled, setting Sano to score on a Luis Arraez sac fly.

Keep an eye on Arraez, he might be important later.

With one out in the top of the 6th, Jose Marmolejos wins the battle of the Joses (2021-2021) and hits a solo shot for Seattle’s 2nd run. After getting another out, Berríos’s day came to an end, and Caleb Thielbar’s began, which is fine, because apparently Thielbar can do this:

So that inning is over.

In their half of the 6th, the Twins piranha up a run starting with a Nelson Cruz infield single (Again?!!) followed by singles from Buxton and Max Kepler. In the next inning, Simmons started it up with another double, the-

WE INTERUPT THIS ALREADY FULLY WRITTEN BASEBALL GAME RECAP WITH BREAKING NEWS

SOMETHING HAS EMERGED FROM THE SEA, NO LONGER CONTENT WITH MERE SINGLES!

EYE WITNESSES ON THE SCENE TELL ME THAT ARRAEZILLA HAS RETURNED AND HE’S SMASHING BALLS LIKE THEY ARE PEACEFUL SEASIDE METROPOLISES

EXPERTS SAY TO HIDE ALL OF YOUR BALLS, MAKE YOUR PEACE, AND ENJOY THE SHOW

Okay so yeah, Arraez hit a two-run homer or whatever. Twins win.

STUDS: Berrios, Garlick, Garver, Buxton

DUDS: No

ROBOT ROLL CALL, YO!

First off, let’s admire how great I am as proved in that second table. Then let’s admire how modest I am as proved by me graciously giving Comment of the Day to Blake Donlon for “Teams that score more runs than their opponent win the game 100% of the time! Seems like a solid strategy to me”

Revolutionary.