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A’s 6, Twins 1: I have learned how to look at these things

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I wouldn’t live there if you paid me.

MLB: Oakland Athletics at Minnesota Twins
this didn’t help
Marilyn Indahl-USA TODAY Sports

More bored Twins play boring baseball, with Matt Shoemaker and the rest of Minnesota’s pitching staff proving you don’t need a hot, humid night to serve up multiple dongs to opposing hitters.

To make this more interesting, here’s a TwinkieTown super-sleuth challenge!

Today was the birthday of an American celebriperson, in the Musix Bizness. Hints as to whom are scattered below. A virtual Fig Newton to the reader who first identifies this birthday balladeer, and extra Figs to anyone who can spot the individual clues! DON’T MOCK ME IT’S A SUPER-FUN THING

Inning-by-inning notes:

1: How long has Mitch Moreland been in baseball? I could look it up, but I’m going with “forever.” Neither his one-out double or Luis Arraez’s later leadoff single result in runs, because this blog is a place where nothing ever happens.

2: Shoemaker was perfect, and he was glad about it, no doubt about it. Max Kepler’s roster profile picture this year is scruffy. Get a shave, hippie!

3: The aforementioned Kepler makes a nice running catch against the wall. Keep that face scruffle, hippie! Max is unable to catch a Ramon Laureano fly ball because Max is not 100 feet tall. Radio says the Twins are 2-11 when other teams score first. Since they aren’t much better when the opposite happens, no need to worry, everything’s under control.

Oh, and now Provus says Rortvedt is from Verona, Wisconsin. IS IT VERONA OR NEW GLARUS CORY MAKE UP YOUR D**N MIND! Mortivedt gets a leadoff hit and Arraez follows suit, but the Bringer of Rain brings a DP instead. A’s 1-0

4: Hey, Jorge! Polanco makes two straight above-average defensive plays. You may ask yourself, where did this fielding come from? Montas shuts down the Twins again. At least they only have two strikeouts so far, less than their per-inning average of Infinity.

5: Another second-deck moonshot off Shoemaker, this one from a Sean Murphy. It gets a reaction from the fans, but it is not applause, my dear, that was a long long time ago. Still no Twins offense; happened before, it will happen again. Athletics 3-0

6: Gladden (the “Cupertino Kid,” Provus called him) reads off a want ad for Delaware North, the Twins’ concessions company. Which is the concessions company for a whole heckuva lot of sports facilities. They are, also, quite Evil. Do not work for them if you have a choice.

Oh, yesssss, more Oakland two-run doomblow by Stephen Piscotty. Less reaction from the crowd as things fell apart, nobody paid much attention.

There’s a Donaldson homer! So many homers, everything seems to be up in the air at this point. Bash Brothers 5-1

7: If nothing’s right, what’s wrong? Provus shares some details: your Twins lead baseball in the percentage of fly balls allowed which end up being dingers. That’s not what you want.

La Tortuga excitement! Astudillo whacks a double inside the line, and Kepler singles him to third. An Andrelton Simmons swinging bunt advances Herr von Maximillian to second. Then, INEXPLICABLY, Rocco Baldelli brings in strikeout king Miguel Sano, maybe because of Numbers? Guess it’s information that I lack. Sano does what you’d expect, and Arraez lines out. A “clean sheet,” as the soccer fans say, for A’s reliever Burch Smith. Or just crappy Twins offense.

8: I got some news to tell ya: the Twins’ pitching is Not So Great. Derek Law follows up his scoreless seventh inning with a leadoff dong to Mark Canha. What are any of you doing reading this recap by now? You oughta get you some sleep. East Bay 6, Canada South 1

9: Caleb Theilbar gets out of his own mess. A’s pitcher Lou Trevino is not, name notwithstanding, a PGA golfer. He shuts down the Twins anyways; baseball, boy, can she be cruel. Philadelphia Kansas City Oakland ????? A’s win

COTGs go to norrff for “Law lobs in lamentable game / Long flys and LOBs leave languishing team losing,” also Brandon for this review of Polanco’s two surprisingly good fielding plays: “Polanco really do be bringing it down to the ville these days / omg he got a round-trip ticket.” Robot Roll Call:

You can tune in tomorrow at 3:05 for José Berríos facing someone called Cole Irvin. Or you could fish. Or plant plants, which don’t feel pain when you pull them up. I think. Anyways, we always love nice folks on the gamethread!