Welcome, Welcome! My name is TJ, and I’ll be your tour guide this evening, in the torture rooms of the afterlife. You’ll see sights which astound, disgust, and even scintillate. Of course, since you were a fan of Minnesota sports in the before, we have an extra special surprise in store for you!
That’s right, here in your own personal version of hell, the Minnesota Twins are always in season! Watch them blow leads! Watch them lose games! Watch them destroy your faith in humanity!
Before we get there, lets look in at the room of medieval tortures. This is a favorite. In the far corner, you can see an authentic Iron Maiden—and not the band. Now to the right, you have another classic, the rack. And here in the front, its the singing stereotypes from that one Mel Brooks movie.
Now as we continue down the hallway, note the fire and brimstone, we call that the “Baptist special.” It also provides flavor to the pulled pork sandwich they serve in the cafeteria. But here, this is the highlight of our tour, your 2021 Minnesota Twins. Oh, and is tonight’s special a good one!
Your Twins would start Kenta Maeda, who maybe is hurt, and if not is just plain bad now. You pick whichever fate sounds more painful. Oakland, of course, scores first in the second inning. Matt Chapman hit a single, and was thrown out trying to stretch it to second, but Matt Olson scored on the play. I may have mixed up the Matts here, but does it really Matt-er? Oakland used their challenge, and lost—the tag on Chapman was upheld, a break in favor of the Twins.
The bottom of the second goes well for the Twins, although both Miguel Sano and Willians Astudillo were hit by pitches—or were they? The radio crew seemed pretty sure the ball hit Sano’s bat, but Oakland already used their challenge. Suckers! All the breaks are coming up for the Twins! Oh, and Max Kepler hits a three-run bomb to give the Twins a lead that inspired momentary hope among fans. Suckers!
More Max Kepler heroics and more lucky breaks for the Twins in the fourth! What is this, 2019? Ha, you’d be in the other place if it was (except October, we save that for the worst offenders.) Anyway, Kepler’s sac fly is here to send Polanco home. Although he’s called out, the Twins’ challenge overturns the call and Polanco scores to make it a 4-1 ballgame. Ready for the fun part?
In the top of the fifth, Maeda gave up four runs and the lead before his day ended. Do you really care how? I don’t. An Oakland insurance run was added in the seventh. They’d need it.
The Twins tied the baby up (something we approve of here in heck,) in the eighth inning on a home run by banjo hitter Andrelton Simmons. Miracles do happen, and here it makes the irony even more bitter.
A ninth inning run scores on a wild pitch by Taylor Rogers, and the As take the series. I told you this would be a good one.
Ah yes, and as we conclude our tour, please exit through the gift shop, and I hope you enjoyed your time here. For those who are curious, Purgatory is just up stairs.