White Sox: A lot, Twins: A little

Disclaimer:

I guess something resembling a baseball game happened today. One team had a lot of runs, and the other team had very few runs. The team with a lot of runs already had a lot of wins, and got one more. The other team has very few wins. Really makes you question the viability of late-stage capitalism in America. Anyway, you can find the box score here (whoops, forgot to put in the link) if you’re into that kind of thing. Let’s have a Michael Scott-style roast of some White Sox players instead of talking about the game.

“The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.”

-Mark Twain

I went out to dinner with Nick Madrigal the other night. It got awkward when the host asked if he wanted a booster seat or not. Boom roasted.

Danny Mendick. Boom roasted.

Jake Lamb is 6’3” and weighs 215 pounds. Somehow this is higher than his batting average. Boom roasted.

Yermin Mercedes might have a lower center of gravity than an actual Mercedes. Boom roasted.

White Sox outfielders: Three men and a baby. Boom roasted (here’s looking at you, Andrew Vaughn).

Tony La Russa thinks OPS is the same as ABV. Boom roasted.

Half of the pitchers in the White Sox bullpen look like they’re about to get their fake ID’s taken away at the bar. Boom roasted.

The White Sox traded Fernando Tatis Jr. for James Shields. Boom Roasted.

The Twins may be garbage. The White Sox may be good. But I am so thankful that I am not a White Sox fan. They’re known to suffer from severe insecurity, wild delusions, and actually brag about third place finishes. Oof.

STUDS:

Nobody (Rob Refsnyder doesn’t qualify)

DUDS:

Who even cares

ROLL CALL! (As of the 8th inning):

Update: Tortuga pitched the 9th inning

Perhaps the only possible thing that could motivate me to amend this recap happened. You can click this (affiliate) link if you are interested in buying an awesome t-shirt from our friends at Breaking T. It was a big hit as a Mother’s Day gift, in my experience. Probably the best thing we’ll get out of this season.