Signs the Twins are getting ready for a fire sale

The lot of the True Fan is not an easy one. Unless you have fastened your affections on the Unspeakable Evil that is the Yankees you will have to endure seasons like the one now underway. Better times lie ahead, but for the second half of 2021 there will be sellers and there will be buyers, and a team that struggles to compete with the Kansas City Royals is likely to be in the former category.

But, say the optimistic among you, “Hope Springs Eternal”. I salute you cheery souls and long to join in your quixotic dream. Alas, there are already signs and omens out there, for those willing to see them….

T.C. Bear has a new outfit.

Photo by Alan Solomon/Chicago Tribune/Tribune News Service via Getty Images

It’s really surprising how inexpensive a “Fire Dog” costume is. Not as economical say as wearing a paper bag over your head to comment on the team’s non-mightiness. But hey, style points….

Concessions have been completely replaced by “Do It Yourself S’Mores” and Captain Ken’s Firehouse Baked Beans and Chili.

The latter have been surprisingly popular in a season of disaffection. A spokesperson for Captain Ken’s (a fine St. Paul enterprise), had this to say**:

“We’ve actually been looking towards doing this since the days of the old Metrodome. But our engineers carefully studied the problem and concluded that the amount of methane released into an enclosed space would be problematic. In the 2021 season they restudied the matter. Given the open air nature of Target Field, the reduced attendance, and the vortex effect of Sano and Donaldson waving at third strikes, our models indicated that the dispersal of methane into the upper atmosphere would be prompt, and that explosion risk was minimal.”

The odd chirping noises. They come from everywhere…..

Photo by James M. Thresher/The The Washington Post via Getty Images

Acoustic experts have determined that these are a combination of smoke detectors from the press box and GM’s office, and the ringing of cell phones in the lockers of many high salaried players. Rumors that there are also happy giggles from the agents of said players are probably just that. The secret agent’s ;air is actually under an active volcano somewhere.

Halsey Hall’s jacket is back.

Photo by PETE HOHN/Star Tribune via Getty Images

A brief history lesson for most of you. In the pantheon of Twins broadcasters Halsey Hall sits at the top like a tipsy, garrulous Zeus overly fond of cigars and green onions. In 1968 his careless handling of a cheap stogie started a small fire in the booth, and his sports coat was singed. Soon afterwards the 3M Company presented Halsey with a new one…made of asbestos! It was probably more fashionable than the one it replaced.

Under conditions of strictest secrecy the Twins and 3M have been further developing this technology. For the 2021 season the warm up jackets worn by the bull pen staff have been fashioned of “Halltex” fabric, enabling them to survive conditions of frequent explosions and conflagrations with minimal physical discomfort.

Expect it to be incorporated into the new line of 2021 Fire Sale jerseys and other fan wear to debut shortly.

Author’s note: M. Grasso wishes it to be known that he is actually a very optimistic person, a sort of Philosopher-Serf in a world that he finds bemusing. He promises a follow up article titled: “Ways to Tell the Minnesota Twins are Back on Track”. No promises that it will be more plausible than the above.

**Not really, we made up the quote. Captain Ken’s is totally real though.