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Twins 7, Yankees 5: Holy crap what Twins win holy balls wow what the hell look at those dingers how long can I make a title before the editor cuts me off from typing, like WOW I’m so pumped up!!!!!!

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MLB: New York Yankees at Minnesota Twins Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

YANKEES DO NOT SWEEP THE TWINS. YANKEES DO NOT COLLECT 200 DOLLARS.

This game quickly looked like another Twins v.s Yankees game. Or really just a Twins v.s Anyones game. I didn’t want to watch it, and I didn’t want to have to recap the loss that was inevitably coming our way. I mean, J.A Happ was starting. HAPP! But boy am I glad I left the thing muted on my second monitor while I played video games, because the last inning was a sight to see, and one of the few moments this year worth remembering!

So Happ’s first inning went like this: Flyout, single, single, Giancarlo Stanton Dong, Triple.

Yeah. At this point almost everyone who actually bothered to tune in had tuned back on out. Like one dude left might be saying “It aint over ‘till its over guys, c’mon!” but he was clearly an idiot. Well, that idiot’s name? Albert “Mothafuckin” Einstein.

Happ managed to get out of the inning thanks to an overturned play at the plate, which felt more like mercy than a sign of hope. To the Twins’ credit, they did get a run back in the bottom of the inning when Josh Donaldson scored on a Nelson Cruz sac fly. Remember those names, they might be appearing again in this recap!

In the 4th Gio Urshela took Happy Happ deep, but the Twinkles got a run back that inning when Andrelton “Team leader in errors” Simmons doubled in Miguel Sano. The damn Yankees got another run in the 6th, but Cruz got it back in the 7th.

A 5-3 score might not feel like a depressing game that has no hope of being won, but this is the 2021 Twins we are talking about. Trailing in late innings? That’s a lost game 11/10 times. Luckily, this was the the 12th out of 10 times.

Leading off the bottom of the 9th, and facing Aroldis Chapman, Jorge Polanco managed a lead off single. Next up was Josh Donaldson.

“Hey Josh!” a disembodied voice boomed from on high.

“Uh, yeah?” Donaldson replied, staring into the sky in a mixture of awe and terror.

“Bringeth the rain, my son.” the voice demanded, its tone both stern and comforting.

“I shall bring the rain, Donald.” Josh agreed with a solemn nod. “I shall bring the rain.

RAIN BROUGHT, GAME TIED!

With an entire state suddenly paying attention again, pinch hitter Willians Astudillo singled on the first pitch he saw. Guess who’s up now? That’s right. It is the boomstick himself, Nelson “Opposing pitchers crap their pants at the mention of my name” Cruz.

And boom did the stick go when our large boi sent the first pitch he saw straight over the center field wall! The Twins get a much needed walk off win!

EAT IT, AROLDIS CHAPMAN. EAT IT, YANKEES. EAT OUR DONGS.

Excuse me now, I’m so pumped up I’m gonna go karate chop a t-rex or something.

STUDS: NELSON!!! JOSH!!

DUDS: NEVER NONE NEVER

ROBOT ROLL CALL!!!!!!

# Commenter # Comments
1 Blake Donlon 18
2 TwinBob 6
3 SooFoo Fan 6
4 CG19 4
5 TJ Gorsegner 4
6 James Fillmore 4
7 Name-Game 3
8 areb 3
9 Imakesandwichesforaliving 2
10 norff 2
11 trigonzobob 1

Congrats to James for the only green comment! You win by default, which is the second best way to win, the first being a gosh-darned walkoff Nelson Cruz dong.