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Astros 14, Twins 3: Snap back to reality

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The model of inconsistency.

MLB: Houston Astros at Minnesota Twins Jordan Johnson-USA TODAY Sports

A thrilling victory against the Yankees - a crushing defeat against Houston.

A well-pitched, all-around team win on national TV - a double-digit drubbing for the local market.

It’s a run-of-the-mill result for a 2021 Minnesota Twins team who just can’t seem to keep their foot on the gas, instead crashing headlong into oak trees and upending traffic cones while doing their best to read their Google Maps app, which has been stuck on the “rerouting” screen for the last ten minutes.

The ‘Stros poured it on the middle innings, taking a 1-0 lead in the fourth and turning it into a 13-2 advantage by the eighth. Big Mike Pineda accounted for some of the damage — his six hits and three runs through four innings led to an early departure — but it was Randy Dobnak who let the game fly open, surrendering six earned runs in just two innings of work.

Shortly thereafter, Alex Colome would come in and cough up a pair of his own.

Matt Shoemaker would do the same in the eighth — rather deflatingly, he went 2-0 to his first hitter after entering the game, then immediately allowed a moonshot off the facing of the Delta deck out in center.

COMMENT OF THE GAMETHREAD:

Whoa, what? The COTG? And so early?? Well, it just seemed to fit with this part of the recap.

Anyway.

It was one of those games where I literally almost forgot the Twins were allowed to bat. Apparently — and this is just based off eyewitness accounts — Minnesota did in fact both swing and score this afternoon. Ryan Jeffers and Nelson Cruz allegedly homered. Somehow, a third run scored; nobody can quite remember exactly how, which lends credence to the idea that the Twins never actually went to bat during the game.

Ralph Garza, Jr. (son of former Twins pitcher Matt “Ralph” Garza) closed out the game, as Anthony LaPanta and Roy Smalley discussed their individual dinner plans, featuring highlights such as discussion of grilled sea bass with Mediterranean relish, and whether or not the former might need to go to the store after the game. Smalley’s dinner plan was, quote, “undecided.” (Not a joke.)

STUDS:

Grilled sea bass with Mediterranean relish

DUDS:

Please don’t make me do this

ROBOT ROLL CALL: