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Twinkie Town Satire-Day Game of the Week - Let the Dumpster Fire Sale Begin



Scene: The MLB Tonight Studio

Greg Amsinger: Welcome to MLB Tonight; with me as always is Pedro Martinez and Chris Young. Well Pedro, we’ve got a really interesting trade between Minnesota and Houston today.

Pedro: Yeah Greg, it’s a bit unprecedented I think, but in the short term I think it really benefits the Twins significantly right now. It has now been confirmed by the Houston Rastros front office; GM George Jetson and President of Baseball Operations Jane Hiswife, that they have taken Matt "The Cobbler" Shoemaker off the Twins' hands.

Chris Young: You know, a fascinating tidbit about his nickname; most people assume it’s playing off his last name, but while covering this story, I learned that it’s because he was the last pitcher they could find, wiling to come to Minnesota, to cobble together a rotation to start the season and try to convince their fans they were actually doing something to improve the team.

Greg: Very interesting, unfortunately, he’s done nothing but lay bricks ever since the start of the season. So, what did it cost the Rastros to take this gamble on the Twins’ failed reclamation project?

Pedro: Oh, they didn’t send anything back; in fact, the deal almost fell apart when the Rastros refused Minnesota’s request for a sack of used Little League baseballs. But Falvine was able to force the deal through at the last second by also sending their number 35 prospect as voted on by the SBNation’s Twinkie Town community.

Greg: Shrewd move by the Falvine.

Chris: Oh this just in, more trade news involving the Twins; in a three-team deal, the twins have traded Josh Donaldson’s left calf to the Yankees for $6M, and his right calf to the Pirates for $3.50; that could turn out to be a real steal for the Bucs, but it could blow out real fast too. But for $3.50 it sounds like a pretty low risk move.

Greg: Well, what are they gonna do with the rest of JD? I mean this is even more unprecedented than the Rastros deal for Cobbler Matt.

Pedro: Well, we just got Falvine on the line to explain Minnesota’s thinking on this; go ahead Falvine, thanks for joining us.

Falvine: Our pleasure guys. Look, I know this sounds a little strange, but hey, we got $6M from those weasels in New York, so we figure if it can be done with Lee Majors, we can do it with JD. We’ve got the technology, we have the capability to make him stronger, faster, better than he was before.

Greg: Yeah, but how do you think MLB will react to adding bionics into ball players; have you received any kind of ruling on any perceived competitive advantage violations?

Falvine: Well Greg, like so many other issues in MLB, when it first gets started there is this kind of tacit approval, wink and nod sorta thing. We expect Ding Dong Manfred will eventually cobble together a teal ribbon panel to study the issue from all angles. Eh, but by the time MLB is forced by Congress to actually deal with it, we’ll have gotten what we want out of Josh, he’ll be retired for five years, and then to make an emphatic statement, Manfred, or what ever schmuck takes his place, MLB will issue the strongest condemnation of all cheating competitive advantages that teams, and players have been using for time immemorial, and ban JD from baseball for life, despite it not being actually illegal when he had it done.

Pedro: Yeah, I see your point, besides, it’s not like Donaldson’s making the HOF anyway.

Chris: Say, before you get away from us Falvine, I see some more news across the trade wire here involving you guys, can you stick around?

Falvine: Sure, we’d love to.

Chris: Okay, so I’m seeing Jorge Polanco for Bill Buckner. I mean, thinking outside the batter’s box is one thing, but you guys seem to be getting a little loco here.

Falvine: Come on guys, think about it. I mean, I only know of one error, really, that Buckner ever committed, and – well -- ya know I love me some J.P. – but come on guys, the dude's averaging like three errors a game; we gotta do something. Besides, as long as Bill’s been out of the league, his ankles have to be doing better than Jorge’s right now.

Greg: Well, you do have a point there; I guess that’s why you guys are the front office geniuses, and we just report on it.

Pedro: And hey, what’s up with this Miguel Sano for Jason Bartlett, Jason Tyner, Jason Kubel, Jason Repko, and Brian Duensing?

Falvine: Well at first when we were talking about the former Twins we’d love to have back on the field for us, the all Jason team just instantly came to mind. But for a guy like Sano and his mammoth potential, even with his abysmal three true outcomes rate – I mean – what is it; like 75% or some crazy shit like that; we have no choice really, we have to move it, but we just needed one more guy to seal the deal between us. We couldn’t come up with any more Jasons, so we started out with Jeff Manship, to at least stick with the "J" theme, especially since we're hoping and praying that our other failed project, JAAAYYYY Happ will be wanted by some near contention team (oh please God, oh please, oh please, oh pleeeeeeeaaaaazzzzze). But then we got to thinking, Manship is just a hair too close to Winifred Manfred, so we accepted Duensing, ‘cuz we’re gonna need somebody to absorb some innings for us.

Pedro: You coulda gone with Jason from Friday the 13th.

Falvine: Oh! Why didn’t we think of that, he would have been a totally awesome Jason for the team! Can we renege the deal on ourselves and get him instead? We'll have to get hold of Boston to get some advice on the best way forward with this. Well, gotta run, thanks for having us on guys.

Chris: Our pleasure, hope things start picking up for the Twins soon.

Greg: Well, another Minnesota trade just in, but this one actually makes sense; Max Kepler for two German Shepherds to sniff out tacky substances on opposing pitchers.

Chris: Wow, wicked crazy night for Minnesota Twins news, and it just keeps rollin'. Right now, Alex Colome is having a press conference; let’s check in.

Colome: And I’d like to thank the Minnesota Twins for this incredible opportunity and all the fans who have welcomed me with open arms, hearts and support through a pretty rough patch of pitching. But I think the handwriting is on the wall and I’ve likely made the last $2M dollars I’ll ever get in MLB, so I’ve talked with Jim Pohlad about looking to the future. I’ve always wanted to go to med school with an eye toward specializing in endoscopic surgery. Mr. Pohlad has agreed to help fund my schooling with the understanding that when I complete all my requirements for the specialty, that I will make my services available to give Colomoscopies to all Twins personnel and employees free of charge.

Greg: Wellll -- with that, let’s come back to the studio to wrap…

Chris: Wait, one last Twins trade has just come across the ticker tape; the Twins have made an historical, 30 team trade. All 29 other teams will send one player each from their 60-day IL in exchange for rotating use of Byron Buxton, starting with the Cleveland Brown Recluses at their next homestand. This one’s going to take some time to sort through the details, but apparently Rob Refsnyder, Gilberto Celestino, Nick Gordon, and Keon Broxton will be on a taxi squad to fill in for Buxton if he goes on the IL anytime within the first five team changes. Well, we’ll have more details when we come back tomorrow; stay tuned for MLB Central with Lauren Shehadi, Mark DeRosa, and Robert "NOT MANFRED" Flores.

Greg: Thanks for tuning in folks and have a great night.