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Royals ∞, Twins < ∞: A Joel Recap

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Do-Hyoung Park and Betsy Hefland, eat your hearts out. (Not literally. We like you!)

Minnesota Twins v Kansas City Royals
FAIL to the woman on her phone here, unless she was being too polite to make potential eye contact with the Walk Of Awful.
Photo by Kyle Rivas/Getty Images

Hi I am Joel Hernandez, you might remember me from such roles as being the handsome charming commentator on Twinkie Town. (Ed: That’s one word, YOU JERK: handsomecharmingcommentator).

Today I am recapping the Twins baseball games. I also have Matt Shoemaker starting on my fantasy team. I know people care about this but I forgot to remove him from my roster and I hope this does not come back to me. If you want some music to listen to while reading my recap:

(Ed: Videos linked to by Mr. Hernandez do not reflect the opinions of this site, SB Nation, or Vox Media. All viewers of such videos assume full responsibility for any brain embolisms incurred by listening to the TERRIBLE MUSIC PEOPLE UNDER 40 LIKE)

I will post notes for the first two innings only and hopefully the Twins strike early!

The top half of the first inning:

Twins did not score in the first, they might have gotten a hit who knows

Bottom half of the inning

Well royals start with a hit not so bad

Oh another hit hmmm not great

Oh a run scored but it’s ok it’s early

Perhaps a better CF catches that but it is ok

Hmm another run but luckily the offense can get back in this game

Oh that is an unlucky bounce on that ground ball up the middle

And there is a dinger and it’s now 9-0

Shoemaker got removed from the game as I realize what this does to my fantasy team ERA

Also the Twins but who cares about them.

Shoemaker did not get the job done

Who the heck is Shaun Anderson

At least Whit is on my fantasy team in one league

Wow this team sucks

But we got three outs

End of the 1st, Twins 0, Royals 9

Top of the 2nd:

I think the twins got a hit but maybe I am hallucinating that the twins are competent

Bottom of the 2nd:

Oh my goodness the Royals keep getting hits

They don’t stop

Maybe I should watch Shrek

I didn’t like the time traveling shrek movie that was weird

The first Shrek had some banger of a sound track

Oh my god even more runs

2nd Shrek was ok,

You know else was a good movie, Mean Girls

Might have been better if Vin Diesel was in it

Why hasn’t Vinny won an Oscar

My favorite Disney shows in order:

Suite Life of Zack & Cody

Kim Possible

That’s so Raven

I remember liking the Proud Family

Even the outs turn into runs

I have never gotten the emergency exit seat on a plane

Is that even a good seat?

Like I don’t think I am good under pressure

Do I allow the children to leave first so I am just in the way?

I wonder how it’s like being a pilot

Seems like a scary job right?

Can Pilots be scared of heights?

I think that will be weird

Can we really trust auto pilots?

Oh the Twins got out of the inning

To the top of the 3rd Royals 13, Twins less than that

(Ed: If you’re bad under pressure, it’s best to have the emergency seat so you aren’t climbing over anybody to escape. This is, at least, what I tell myself.)

I’m just going to assume the Twins lose this game 18-4.

Studs:

People in the GT

People who invented chocolate

Duds:

The calls about my car’s expired warranty

Needing quarters for laundry machines

Roll Call:

Here is an image of our typical commentators on TT

(Ed: If I could type and knit and read simultaneously, I wouldn’t be outsourcing this recap)

COTG:

Joel Hernandez for

(Ed: actual size. Joel’s comments are smaller. Nobody knows why this is. But we know his Twins-loving heart is the largest of all!)