Hi I am Joel Hernandez, you might remember me from such roles as being the handsome charming commentator on Twinkie Town. (Ed: That’s one word, YOU JERK: handsomecharmingcommentator).
Today I am recapping the Twins baseball games. I also have Matt Shoemaker starting on my fantasy team. I know people care about this but I forgot to remove him from my roster and I hope this does not come back to me. If you want some music to listen to while reading my recap:
(Ed: Videos linked to by Mr. Hernandez do not reflect the opinions of this site, SB Nation, or Vox Media. All viewers of such videos assume full responsibility for any brain embolisms incurred by listening to the TERRIBLE MUSIC PEOPLE UNDER 40 LIKE)
I will post notes for the first two innings only and hopefully the Twins strike early!
The top half of the first inning:
Twins did not score in the first, they might have gotten a hit who knows
Bottom half of the inning
Well royals start with a hit not so bad
Oh another hit hmmm not great
Oh a run scored but it’s ok it’s early
Perhaps a better CF catches that but it is ok
Hmm another run but luckily the offense can get back in this game
Oh that is an unlucky bounce on that ground ball up the middle
And there is a dinger and it’s now 9-0
Shoemaker got removed from the game as I realize what this does to my fantasy team ERA
Also the Twins but who cares about them.
Shoemaker did not get the job done
Who the heck is Shaun Anderson
At least Whit is on my fantasy team in one league
Wow this team sucks
But we got three outs
End of the 1st, Twins 0, Royals 9
Top of the 2nd:
I think the twins got a hit but maybe I am hallucinating that the twins are competent
Bottom of the 2nd:
Oh my goodness the Royals keep getting hits
They don’t stop
Maybe I should watch Shrek
I didn’t like the time traveling shrek movie that was weird
The first Shrek had some banger of a sound track
Oh my god even more runs
2nd Shrek was ok,
You know else was a good movie, Mean Girls
Might have been better if Vin Diesel was in it
Why hasn’t Vinny won an Oscar
My favorite Disney shows in order:
Suite Life of Zack & Cody
That’s so Raven
I remember liking the Proud Family
Even the outs turn into runs
I have never gotten the emergency exit seat on a plane
Is that even a good seat?
Like I don’t think I am good under pressure
Do I allow the children to leave first so I am just in the way?
I wonder how it’s like being a pilot
Seems like a scary job right?
Can Pilots be scared of heights?
I think that will be weird
Can we really trust auto pilots?
Oh the Twins got out of the inning
To the top of the 3rd Royals 13, Twins less than that
(Ed: If you’re bad under pressure, it’s best to have the emergency seat so you aren’t climbing over anybody to escape. This is, at least, what I tell myself.)
I’m just going to assume the Twins lose this game 18-4.
People in the GT
People who invented chocolate
The calls about my car’s expired warranty
Needing quarters for laundry machines
Here is an image of our typical commentators on TT
Joel Hernandez for
(Ed: actual size. Joel’s comments are smaller. Nobody knows why this is. But we know his Twins-loving heart is the largest of all!)