We did it!
Not the Twins win after a shaky opening from starter J.A. Happ, or the unusual bullpen competence / offensive comeback victory.
No, I challenged all five of you on the gamethread not to mention anything about the game in progress once, and nobody did! Granted, it was a dead thread (these happen in bad years), but still — my heart was warmed. Inning-by-inning notes:
1: How many runs can Happ give up before the Twins even bat? The answer will surprise you! Actually, it won’t! Radio mentions that Happ’s first-inning ERA this year is around 7.00 -- which would be egregious if his total ERA wasn’t 6.43. Anyhoo, there are two doubles and a homer. The dinger comes courtesy of ex-Twin Kurt Suzuki, who supposedly likes to spearfish for octopuses (spelling per John Oliver) while snorkel swimming. I saw this on the Target Field jumbotron one time, so it must be true.
But wait! Just wait! The Twins load the bases with one out! Adventure! Excitement! A Jedi craves not these things, and neither does Miguel Sano, who strikes out looking on three pitches before new DH Brent Rooker almost gets a hit. By “almost” I mean “doesn’t.” Angels 3-0
2: Moar homer off Happ, this one by career .173-hitting 30-year-old Jack Mayfield. Jack is actually his middle name; his full one is David Jack Mayfield, making his parents a disappointing 0-for-2 on choosing “Curtis” somewhere in there. Halos 4-0
3: Jorge Polanco is now 2-2; it’s a game for the ages! This time, he scores, thanks to Trevor Larnach. He also hit a double, which means you can get a free Chicken Jesus sandwich tomorrow at participating locations. Please ask for it specifically by that name. LAAOA 4-1
4: Brent Rooker is apparently getting the first crack at being New Nelson; he’s hit two balls hard tonight that were outted. Maybe he should change his name to T.J. to get some Shatner 80’s mojo going, although it might just make him lose his hair.
5: Maximillian Herr Von Kepler leads off with a single, then reaches second on a pickoff airmail by Alex Cobb. Polanco GETS HIS THIRD HIT OF THE NIGHT HE’S A MACHINE THAT CANNOT BE STOPPED MAKE A BLOOD SACRIFICE OF YOUR CHILDREN TO THE GLORY OF HIS NAME and Donaldson scores Kepler with his GIDP. ANA 4-2
6: Not to be out-errored, Happ makes a bad pickoff throw of his own; this one to keep Brandon Marsh and his Beard Of Speed close to first. This fails, but Marsh doesn’t eventually score; give Happ credit for settling down and “eating some innings” (which would have helped more in April/May/June, but hey, it’s the thought that counts).
Miguel Sano doubles! Nick Gordon singles! Ryan Jeffers doubles! This baby is all tied up! Or, would be if Gordon hadn’t gotten himself picked off first in the interim. He’s ruined the season, he has. CAL 4-3
7: ACE sighting! He doesn’t give up any runs. This makes his Trade Value now infinitely higher. Why infinitely higher? Because I don’t know how much higher for certain, but I know that “zero” multiplied by anything is still zero.
Radio in-game promo for Old Dutch Foods read by Provus sounds to me and Mrs. James like Provus pronounced it Old Dutch Booze; which would be what, Heineken? A quick Wiki search tells me that, in fact, a traditional Dutch booze is called “jenever,” made from distilling malt wine: “Because the resulting spirit was not palatable ... herbs were added to mask the flavour. The juniper berry, hence the name jenever (and the English name gin), was used for its alleged medicinal benefits.”
So... that’s where gin comes from? Don’t tell me you never learn nothin’ from these Baseball Gamez Recapz.
8: Guy-you-don’t-remember-is-a-Twin Juan Minaya comes in, gives up a double to Justin Upton and plonks Suzuki (grr!), then gets out of it. Mayfield makes the last out by Not being a Curtis.
Here’s the comma-comma-comma-comma-comma-comebackeon (and if you don’t get that reference, you are Too Young to be up this late): a Sano walk, Gordon hit set up Ryan Jeffers’s single to left. Angels outfielder Some Guy badly misses the plate trying to get Sano at home; Suzuki badly misses trying to get Gordon at third (he’s not an octopus and a baseball is not an underwater spear); they both score, the crowd goes WILD*, Twins lead 5-4
(* — Ever since last year’s piped-in The Show crowd sound effects on radio, I don’t quite trust radio broadcast crowd noise, but it is a hot weekend and Minnesotans get excited about those, so it’s probably real. Watch the MLB.com clip if you like.)
9: Taylor Rogers comes in and gets his save; mattering more, gets Minaya that all-important Pitcher Win. Do even pitchers care about those, anymore? Who knows, but game over, Twinses winses!
Robot Roll Call:
Tune in tomorrow at 6:10 for a La Makina start! Really, do so, this whole “it’s summer and hot and we should be outside” thing is silly, be indoors like sensible people.