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Angels 2, Twins 1: Got game 99 problems, but a pitcher ain’t one

The world’s saddest pitching duel?

Los Angeles Angels v Minnesota Twins Photo by Stephen Maturen/Getty Images

Once upon a time, a young pelotero de beisbol name Jose looked up to a mystical, magical man named Kyle. For Kyle had learned the secret of the magical balls from the ancient monk beneath the rainbow. And Jose wished to learn the secrets, since Kyle had left the regional backwater in which they toiled, and moved on to great acclaim, fame, and fortune as a member of an elite fighting force known as the “Rangers.”

For Jose had to battle the very Angels themselves.

And he would not have much help.

Look, Simmons-Polanco-Sano isn’t how you draw up a routine play at first to begin with, but then add in the whole “Sano error” part, and the Twins stupided in the first run of the game. And since it came with two outs, it was the proximate cause of the second run. Minus that bout of the brainfarts on the part of the defense, Berrios held the Angels lineup scoreless. He held Ohtani to a single and a strikeout, although Ohtani was the first man to score in the previously mentioned case of baseball idiocy. Caleb Thielbar worked around an Ohtani double to post a scoreless eighth and came back out to get the first out of the ninth. Jorge Alcala finished the game.

The Twins pitchers did not surrender an earned run tonight. It did not matter.

Patrick, not Pablo, Sandoval somehow matched zeros with Berrios all night, and then some, as the Twins’ offense was utterly pointless, worthless, fruitless, and nearly-hitless; meaning the Twins lost yet another winnable game. While Sandoval didn’t give up a hit through eight; a hit batter, a walk and an error led to nine left on base for the hapless (but sadly, not yet Happ-less) Twins. Brent Rooker finally broke up the no-hitter with a ninth inning double, just for maximum comedic effect—at the time he was hitting .083.

Raisel Iglesias came on to get the final out. Josh Donaldson doubled, trading places with Rooker, and the speedy Nick Gordon came on to pinch run. Is this what hope feels like? Sadly, the hope would be promptly squashed, as Miguel Sano—no surprise here, struck out.

Ironically, Kyle Gibson had a rough night on the mound, leaving Berrios one of the best pitchers available with just under a week left before the deadline. If this is the last we see him in a Twins’ uniform, it was an admirable performance: 7.0 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, and 4Ks.


The entire pitching staff. Except J.A. Happ, just because.


The entire offense. No exceptions

Roll Call

# Commenter # Comments
1 TJ Gorsegner 12
2 James Fillmore 9
3 TwinBob 7
4 norff 6
5 mikecardii 4
6 Imakesandwichesforaliving 1
7 trigonzobob 1


Mike, for providing us the truth about a wretched condiment