Twins 5, Tigers 3: wtf am I going to have to recap a win? Was not prepared for this.

In an exciting battle for literally nothing except whose fans care the least, the Twins and Tigers competed against each-other at baseball. Or so I’m told.

I assumed the Twins would lose because they are the Twins and was gonna ignore the recap again in favor of some weird fan-fic again, but a win means I should probably recap the real action. So, uh, let’s see if I recall how to do that!

In the 4th, J.A Happ did his best J.A Happ impression and gave up a 2-run dong to real live baseball player you have heard of Eric Haase. Meanwhile, the Twins offense was supporting Happ all game by doing comedy joke wordplay game and re-enacting the 2008 film The HAPPening by just fucking killing themselves at home plate and thus getting no-hit until the 5th inning when Ryan Jeffers realized a Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch vehicle was not worth celebrating and just hit a homerun to put the Twins on the board.

Classical baseball knowledge says the best thing to do after your team brings you back within 1 run is to immediately load the bases and then walk in a run. So being the veteran presence he is, Happ did just that, sabermetrics be damned! Luckily the Twins pulled of a rad AF double play to keep the damage at 1. Seriously, go look up a video of it. Polanco flipped a flip for the ages.

In the bottom of said inning, Trevor Larnach singled in Jorge Polanco, again bringing our beloved Twinks back within 1.

Smooth linguistic transition to the 7th, Miguel Sano is letting it Miguel and tying up the game with a solo homer. Max Kepler followed it up with a single, then Gilberto Celestino reached on a fielder’s choice that advanced Kepler to 2nd thanks to a fielding error. Andrelton Simmons then small balled them up a base with a bunt. Then opposing pitcher Joe Cisnero small balled them all up another base with a wild pitch. Finally Polanco brought Celestino home with a sac fly. Nice sac, Jorge!

Tyler Duffery and Taylor Rogers both had 1-2-3 innings to end the game like it was 2019 or some shit. Twins win!

Bring out all your dance party gifs, who knows when we’ll get another chance to use ‘em!

STUDS: Jorge “Flip and Sac” Polanco, Jeff Ryaners, Miguel Sano.

DUDS: Nay

ROBOT ROLL CALL, YO

GOOD NIGHT