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Twins 4, Tigers 2: Carry on, Twins fans

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A winsa! For the Twinsa! (More importantly, nobody got their spine or nut fleshbag broken.)

Detroit Tigers v Minnesota Twins
Maeda’s joy became muted once he found out that his trusty hamster, Alsamechicon, was not, in fact, watching this game, depite repeated entreaties to do so.
Photo by David Berding/Getty Images

The Twins prove, once again, that they’re an above-.500 team when playing the likes of Texas and Detroit. Kenta Maeda continues to seem less hurt, which is good if he isn’t traded. Not that we want him to get injured if he is traded. Inning-by-inning notes:

1: Former Twins system guy (and most Star Wars-universe-style-named MLBer ever) Akil Baddoo leads off by getting on per a Miguel Sano error. He then tries to steal second (out of vengeance?) and is gunned down by Popeye-biceped Twins system guy Ben “Morty Mortivedt” Rortvedt. montanatwinsfan comments that “I think his forearms are made of Tuna / Nothing but muscle,” which I don’t get (are tuna made up of nothing but muscle? They must have a rudimentary circulatory/nervous system) but it’s fun anyways. The Twins bat and blah

2: Miguel Cabrera leads off by a single. He doesn’t try to steal. Maeda strikes out two Detroiter Tigerers, ending the threat to Minnesota’s hopes of... something, winning games, winning prop bets in the clubhouse, whatever it is they’re playing for at this point. (Maybe, after victories, each top pitcher/hitter gets an entry in the postseason raffle to win Joe Mauer’s spectacular collection of ancient Etruscan dildoes.) The Twins bat and blah

3: The gamethread is lamedead. I should probably start doing dishes or something. But, you know, I could do that later. There’s more than I want to do right now. This means that later the amount of dishes will be “more than I want to do” + more than that. This number may be expressable via Math Equations, I do not know. The Twins bat and blah

4: Radio tells us that Jake Cave is progressing nicely in his recovery from a “fractured bone in his back.” Holy smokes, that’s a scary injury. And Mitch Garver had to be hospitalized, you’ll recall, with some testicular injury; gee whiz, Twins, can’t you just do the normal “mess up a guy’s career” without “messing up a person’s life” sports injury stuff? You practically expect Byron Buxton to end his Twins career in that Star Trek wheelchair where Captain Pike beeped once for “yes” and two for “no.” Maeda gets his seventh K; the Twins bat and blah

5: A few innings back, Brandon Brooks informed us few gamethreaders that Jim Kaat on TV said about video games how “we didn’t have Line Of Duty and Pac-Man.” This is brilliant, and makes me wish I had pay-per-game cable. Even better: the Wiki entry on Pac-Man leads off by stating that “The original Japanese title of Puck Man was changed to Pac-Man for international releases as a preventative measure against defacement of the arcade machines by changing the P to an F.” THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME THING YOU WILL READ IN THIS RECAP BAR NONE. The Twins bat and blah

(OK, not quiiiitttte blah; there’s a one-out walk and advance to third on a single. But strikeout and groundout followed, so blah. Should I mention who made the outs? Nah. guess amongst yourselves. You have the interwebz, you can look it up if you want. Or you’re in a nursing home, and you’re blind, and a mean nurse is reading you this, and you ask “who made the outs” but the mean nurse won’t look it up on his phone even though that’d take five seconds to do, so I’ll tell you, it was Mike Trout and Aaron Judge, the Twins got them earlier today, and they’re now blah)

6: Hey, among the Tigers are Robbie “never a wet blanket” Grossman and Jonathan “we never came up with a site nickname for him” Schoop! (I think there was a feeble attempt to mispronounce his name as “Shoop” not “Scope” and reference some Salt-’N’-Pepa, but there were too many Younglings for this to work properly.)

Here I go here I go here I go again, friends, what’s the Twins bats? Blah...

Just kidding! Lots of Twins scoring stuff. An Arraez single, Donaldson walk, noob Tiger reliever balk, Larnach single, Cruz sac fly, Kirilloff walk, Kepler tripler... did I get all the stuff from the mlb.com game summary? I think so. I was actually more interested in music discussions on the GT at this point. Again, you can look it up to see if I’m wrong. Unless your nursing-home nurse is mean. In which case, move elsewhere if that’s a possibility for you! Twins 4-0

7: Caleb “Meat Raffle” Theilbar actually doesn’t implode! (After Jorge “Can’t Wait” Alcala didn’t implode in the previous inning, either.) The Twins bat and back to blah but it’s not because I’m resuming a lame theme, it’s because they Know that the Expert 2021 Twins Bullpen™ will hold this lead.

8: Ok, so Theilbar gives up a Baddoo single and Grossman second-decker. These don’t count; revenge wallops by guys the Twins dumped off of a guy the Twins dumped shouldn’t count. The Twins bat and blah; is this the blah that turns the season (next inning notes now) CST-EST 4-2

9: The Tigers have a hitter named Eric Haase. This makes me think of the company PAAS that apparently only exists to make Easter Eggs dye and dipping spoons that barely work, plus shrinkable plastic Easter-y themed plastic egg wraps which work less. Hansel Robles, whose name sounds like a kid that a Bavarian witch lured into her lair with Easter candy, finishes off the game, Twins win!

COTG goes to everyone who participated in tonight’s music opinions thread without turding on other people’s music favorites; doing so is rude, much more fun to share things we like! Robot Roll Call:

Be sure to check in tomorrow for the continuing saga of “seriously, is Bailey Ober going to be kinda good? I hope so” adventures!