The Twins fall behind big early and lose, with Charlie Barnes doing the honors of “welcome to Yankee Stadium, Twins youngling.” That’s the size of it.
Do yourselves a favor, and don’t read this. Read the official mlb.com recap instead (it will be short now, and expanded later, that’s how they roll). Or go back and read the intro; I promise, it was pretty good! But like a moron, which is me right now and I get to live with that, I brain-farted the time zone for auto-scheduling and didn’t get it up in time so nobody read it.
This worsened an already lousy mood, and so that’s what these inning-by-inning notes are. Consider yourself warned:
1: Let’s start this precisely the way we expect it to start, shall we? After Twins bats do exactly nothing, rookie Charlie “Not Parr” Barnes walks two Yanquis and plunks a third before giving up a single to Luke “Not Jon” Voit and a grounder to Gary Sanchez that Barnes tried to field and failed miserably and then he walks another guy and then another single but the inning ends because You Don’t Run On
Eddie Rosario Rob Refsnyder
Radio points out two things you MUST know, or will know because I’m typing them. One, that the Yanquis have more stolen bases than anybody since the All-Star break. Because, of course they do. Second, that several top Yanqui players are free agents after next season. Like, WHO CARES? If they want to keep them, they’ll just charge YES customers or premium seat holders an extra mint of doubloons and throw the money into their giant vault which is shaped like George Steinbrenner’s stupid face and every Yanqui fan will continue to claim that their team wins because of a “winning culture” and, fudgit, screw this team. Amazingly, only NYY 4-0, thanks ROB
2: This was actually pointed out during the terrible first inning by mikecardii: leading off for the Saints tonight are Jose Miranda, Trevor Larnach, and Byron Buxton, giving much hope to those with an inclination to feel hope about anything which does not include me for really a lot of reasons but we’ll go ahead and include baseball as one of them because all hopes are futile, like “all glory is fleeting” except truer.
After 37 (!) pitches in the First, Barnes does the leadoff single thing, then a homer to Aaron “Not Mike” Judge who OHMYGAWD MIGHT BE A FREE AGENT AFTER NEXT YEAR, no doubt a Hawt Topik on New York sports radio, which is a style of radio that has swept the country because it allows people to be snarky a**holes and praised for it, which is also about half our national politics if you haven’t noticed, also basically every ESPN personality, and I get the sense this game is going to feel like being stuck in a hotel room you hate and having nothing to watch except ESPN or cable news, which is to say Horrible. Bronx Bore-ers 6-0
3: Cortes The (Twins) Killer keeps the offense punchless, but then again, it wouldn’t matter if it was David Wells pitching with a hangover that could kill a platoon of Marines, if you don’t know what this refers to, look it up, I mean “David Wells + hungover against Twins,” not “kill a platoon of Marines,” unless you really want to notify the NSA that you’re special and they should Notice You.
Barnes pitches a scoreless inning, so we have no reason to say bad things about him, except for his pitching prior to now, so Moar radio commentary, since you Really Want This. What the hell, the gamethread is dead. First, a commercial in which Buxton says that “the only statistic I’m interested in is how many Sheboygan sausages I can power up with before a game.” So what, you’ll say, this is only ad copy. But what if it isn’t? What if it’s actually a new training regimen, inspired by Buxton’s previous trips to Yankee Stadium and visiting the Babe Ruth honorary plaque? A strict routine of giant sausages, endless cigars, hookers and gin? It worked for the Babe.
4: The Twins load the bases with two outs, via a Garver walk, Refsnyder hit, and Nick Gordon HBP. Willians Astudillo swings so off-balance at a pitch that he falls down. On the plate. This would have been a perfect strike three, except Tortuga spoils it by actually getting out on a lazy fly.
Two more Barnes walks bring his total to five, if you’re counting, which you don’t have to, the boxscore on your computer will do that for you. Except that keeping score is cool. I’ve never done that when I wasn’t at the game, though. Voit hits a double that bounces into the stands, they call this a “ground rule” even though “ground rules” have to do with rules specific to a particular stadium and double-that-bounces-into-the-stands is the same rule everyplace, so it’s not really a ground rule, is it. The Twins warm nobody up, and Barnes stunningly makes this work. Only subway station where I ever jumped a turnstile 7-0
5: Your Gladdenism of the night (we haven’t done one of those in too long): “what’s that song they play at the end of the games, Sinatra song?” Provus (quietly): “New York, New York?” WHY DOES HIS VOICE HAVE A QUESTION MARK AFTER IT THAT’S OBVIOUSLY THE SONG. Maybe this should really qualify as a Provusism.
Then the bottom half brings an even better one. Barnes (still in there, way to eat one for the team, Charlie!) hits Brett Gardner on the elbow, resulting in a chorus of boos. (Ah, shut up, ya bozos, it wasn’t on purpose, he’s not Roger Clemens.) Gladden: “the last thing I want is to stand at first base with a sore elbow and have to listen to Astudillo yapping.” That’s hilarious, thanks Dazzle, I needed that!
6: It’s alive! Kind of! Luis Arraez gets his own “ground rule double” and Josh Donaldson homers him in. Mitch Garver singles, so the comeback Is On, but nothing else good happens, so the comeback Is Off. I refuse to sink back into misery, though, that Astudillo crack was too good.
Barnes is gone after 109 pitches, replaced by Kyle Barraclough, whose walkup music should be “Barracuda” but it probably isn’t, and who (per radio) was actually drafted by the Twins back in the Bronze Age but never played for them while bouncing around a few organizations. A 31-year-old, he’s got 270 games notched on his bedpost and a 3.53 ERA, so good for him. First 1-2-3 inning for Minnesota pitching tonight, it won’t last. Highlanders 7-2
7: Twins bats do nothing again, so OK, here’s the “jumping turnstile” story. Why not. 1000 words is a cereal box. I was at a kinda-sorta-but-not-really military school on Long Island, had a weekend when they let us escape, went into the city, overindulged on adult beverages, got on the subway to come back and fell asleep, missed my transfer station to the Long Island Rail Road. I woke up at the Yankee Stadium station with no wallet. No way to reach the transfer station without turnstile jumping, so I waited until the subway going back was just pulling in and then jumped it, getting in the subway car before transit cops could nab me. At the LIRR transfer station, I got on a train, and you could do this without paying if you paid the conductor who came down the aisle in between stops. I would watch to see when the conductor entered one end of the car, then dash for the bathroom and make vomiting/diarrhea noises until I was sure the conductor had left. Repeat for trip to next stop. These weren’t all fake sounds, either. Then walked back from the LIRR station to school. Anyhoo, that’s the tale! May it brighten your life!
1-2-3 pitching for the Twins didn’t last. Call me Fillmoredamus. The people ride in a hole in the ground 8-2
8: A Joely Rodriguez is pitching for New York, reminding me that our own Joel Hernandez (no, all Latin names aren’t the same, but it is similar) spent some time living in NYC and being a Mets fan, IIRC. IIR incorrectly, he can come over to my house and poop on the doorstep. I won’t sue. It strikes me that suing someone for pooping on your property is, literally, suing their a**.
Barraclough gives up another home run (the scoring last inning came off a dong as well) and is yanked. Radio discusses the possible September callup of the aforementioned Saint, Jose Miranda. My thought is, “well, what about service time,” but that’s only for expected stars and the Twins trade away anybody who’s going to get expensive anyways, so Service Time doesn’t matter, just like everything else... c’mon, James! Hold it together! Remember when Gladden gladdened your heart! Don’t succumb to... too late. Other Billy Martins 10-2
9: Twins players, surprisingly, all line up at the top of the dugout steps and collectively moon the crowd, with a microphone placed carefully to capture their synchronous flatulence performing the tune “Mo Money, Mo Problems” in tribute to the late, great NYC rapper, then forfeit the remainder of this dogburger game. It’s in print on the internet, so it happened. Twims lose. Robot Roll Call:
COTG goes to mikecardii for a noble, doomed effort to resuscitate the gamethread by suggesting books and video games to talk about. Not this year, friend, maybe next. Maybe never again. Maybe all fun-ness has disappeared forever. Who knows, I’ve expended my Fillmoredamus powers for the night.
Tomorrow’s 12:05 game features Kenta Maeda on extra rest, which hasn’t, ever, gone well, against Gerrit Cole, whose (admittedly cool) nickname is “Cole Train” but should be “Gary.” So, um, we’re gonna need you to come in on a Saturday, mmkay, that would be great. That’s the best joke you’re getting! You’re welcome!
(Late addition, thanks to trigonzobob, and not a bad idea, as the Twin Cities finally get desperately-needed raindrops on roses: here is one of my favorite things. Chill on this in the morning instead of the game outcome, folks.)