Red Sox 12, Twins 2: It was bad, yo

Every Twins game displeases me, but above all this Twins game displeases me. We’re gonna push through this recap as fast as possible. You won’t enjoy it. I won’t enjoy it. However, have solace. This pain is temporary. Only the serenity of nothingness awaits us at the end of this season.

Anyway John Gant? More Like John Can’t stop giving up a runs. Let’s recap them!

Oh shit, is that the 9th hitter, Bobby Dalbec coming up with two on in the 2nd? He’s gonna obviously hit a three run homer. Apparently Dalbec has decently power actually, I don’t know why he’s batting 9th. I can’t remember how teams that don’t lose 100 games strategize anymore.

Gant would give up another run in the 3rd when some guy hit a single or whatever. It is literally one tab over on my computer but I’m not going through all the energy to check. Learn to read you own box scores, sheesh.

In the 5th, the Twins finally remembered that the point of baseball is to hit the ball and run on the bases, so Ryan Jeffers singled, breaking the no-hitter Chris Sale had going on, Willians Astudillo then hit a two run blast before running off to fight the Foot Clan, probably wrapping a strip of a random jersey Sale slashed up around his eyes.

Kyle Barraclough gave up one run due to a Rafael Devers single, continuing the TMNT theme, I guess. There was that snow bear boss in TMNT 2 who could summon giant iciclees on the NES so I guess that’s pobably Barraclough. Apparently his name was Tora. Barraclough would be a cooler name, tbh.

Also his MLB.com photo is hilarious to me.

Definitely the smirk of a man who is secretly a Blizzard Witch/Mutant Bear

Edgar Garcia’s turn to pitch! I bet this’ll go well.

Whoops! 7 more runs! I’m not typing all that out!

Ralph Garza Jr. (????????) Was the next Twins reliever and he managed to not give up a run. As did our best reliever, La Tortuga. Probably due to being a master of speed changing.

So at least that’s fun.

TWINS LOSE.

STUDS: ASTUDILLO

DUDS: THINGS THAT AREN’T ASTUDILLO

ROBOT ROLL CALL!

Comment of the Day goes to Joel Hernandez. An entirely unrelated Joel Hernandez from another website.