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Game 110: Twins at Astros

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Send the word, send the word, Ober there.

Houston Astros employees remove a sign from Astros
Sometimes, cheaters do prosper.
Photo credit should read JAMES NIELSEN/AFP via Getty Images

Time: 7:10 Central. Vegas Line: -230 HOU / MIN +190

Weather: Possible rain should be over, danky stanky 89° at first pitch

Opponent’s “it wasn’t the fans who cheated” SB site: The Crawfish Boxes

TV: BS North. Radio: Pitchers came and broke your heart

Hey hey it’s Greinke time! You all should know him by now, he overcame early depression/anxiety issues with treatment to become a crafty multiple-All-Star. He’s lost a bit on his fastball, yet always knew how to mix in the rest of his movement well. 2021 digits:

Those of you who’ve been diligently following the famous Baseball Stuff TwinkieTowners Own series since its auspicious beginnings will recognize a pattern in the following contribution from imakesandwiches for a living:

Is a bat between two birds a sandwich?

This excellent photo was delivered to me one week late for the Twins/Cardinals series, just as sandwiches contributed a fine "Tequila Sunrise" pic one week late for THAT series. He’s not grasping the seriousness of HOW MANY PEOPLE WAIT BREATHLESSLY FOR THESE, but otherwise both the jerseys are cool! Here’s his notes:

I totally forgot to send this for yesterday’s game thread since I’m a big fat dumbass. Feel free to use it for your next one if you want!

I bought this St Louis Cardinals alternate jersey because it’s just so clean. Red on cream is great (I personally have never liked the Twins’ cream jersey) and the best part is that it says “St Louis” instead of “Cardinals”, which was not on the front since the early ‘30s, if I remember right. This has been their alternate uni for their Saturday home games for some few years while they introduced alternate away unis in 2019 - the super hot powder blues (which I don’t have... I don’t want to overload my closet with powder blue). Cheers!

I reached out to sandwiches via flip-phone text message, to elaborate. Here is the result (this interview was lightly edited for clarity):

It's a great uni, and I agree about the Twins' cream one being crummy, "Kasota Gold" my [redacted]. How many jerseys do you own now?

About 500, more-or-less. It's the golden number for HOF homerun sluggers, so I figured it'd be good for me. I occasionally dispose of extras by burying poisoned pest mice in them behind my garage. I think they're biodegradable.

That must be an expensive hobby!

No, I just use peanut butter and sticky traps.

Still, it's a major time investment.

Between that and my burgeoning sandwich empire, it's quite the juggling act!

How's the empire going?

We just launched our flagship restaurant in Buffalo. It's seen some tourism drop due to COVID, but I'm hopeful things will come back soon.

Right -- Niagara Falls took a big travel hit with the border restrictions, I'm sure.

No, you idiot. Buffalo, Minnesota. Any jerk can make a killing selling junk at an established vacation destination. I'm going to create a destination all its own, with the first Full Service Sandwich Shoppe in America.

What's the Full Service difference?

For one thing, you realize, it's a Shoppe. Not merely a "shop." For another, we'll make any sandwich you can think of. ANYTHING.

Like what?

I'm hoping to corner the market on custom wedding/funeral sandwiches -- that's a huge take, you slap the label "wedding" on pictures or "funeral" on flowers, you're doubling the price for suckers creating the “perfect” memory. Whatever, morons, you’ll end up fighting over the divorce settlement or the will, anyways.

What's your hottest seller, now?

To be honest, they’re mostly phallic ones for frat parties.

I thought frat parties were mostly about booze.

It’s the young people these days, they’re just really into schlong sandwiches.

That’s got to get a little old.

It does; I can make a sandwich that looks like the Mona Lisa and tastes like Mozart. But they mostly want genitals.

What does Mozart taste like?

Terry Mulholland.

How about... those other ones?

Mayonnaise and mustard. Pretty obvious, really.

Changing the subject, is a hot dog a sandwich?

Is your mother a French madam?

No, God rest her soul.

Then “no,” I rest my case.

At this point, the conversation devolved into trading accusations and threatening personal harm, which each of us has reported to our private security teams, and we’ll see whose has more muscle. But thanks to sandwiches for participating!

As usual, anyone with pictures/stories of items they own can send them to me via twinsbrewer@yahoo.com. Only a few weeks left to get in on the action!

I probably can’t include lineups as I’ll be ferrying around hopefully nice old people to superspreader events late; that’s alright, the Twins don’t DESERVE their names recorded in Internet permanence here. And who knows when the recap will be? All I know is for that one reader in Northern Sasketchewan who actually likes it, it will be up. Eventually...

Ninja edit: All you had to do was ask —TJ

Today's Lineups

TWINS ASTROS
Max Kepler - RF Jose Altuve - 2B
Brent Rooker - LF Michael Brantley - DH
Jorge Polanco - DH Yordan Alvarez - LF
Josh Donaldson - 3B Carlos Correa - SS
Luis Arraez - 2B Kyle Tucker - RF
Mitch Garver - C Aledmys Diaz - 3B
Miguel Sano - 1B Chas McCormick - CF
Rob Refsnyder - CF Taylor Jones - 1B
Andrelton Simmons - SS Martin Maldonado - C
Bailey Ober - RHP Zack Greinke - RHP