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And now a bunch of words from Dave St. Peter.

Imma read between the lines for you guys.

2014 Major League Baseball T-Mobile All-Star FanFest

Hi there, friends!

Fresh off of Tuesday night’s come-back-in-the-ninth win, I forgot for a moment about the sucktitude of the 2021 season. The Twins hit some big bombas, Kenta Maeda was Kenta Maedaing, and Colome even managed to get himself a save. Say whaaaaat?

As I sat down to work Wednesday morning after the big comeback win (and before we were back to the harsh reality of the season - a close-but-not-quite-there game that ended in favor of the other guys) I was going through my emails and up pops one from the Twins. Intrigued, and decidedly done with my work day at just 9:13 am, I opened the email to see what they had to say. To sum it up, the gist was ‘Thanks for sticking with us through this garbage fire season. We can’t win them all We know you’re pissed we traded Berrios and Cruz, but stick with us a little longer, please?’. Let’s break down the email to see what Dave was really trying to say, shall we?

The email in all of its wordsmithy glory

Let’s start with the first paragraph:

What’s Dave saying?

  • Dear Marea (that’s me! They value me as a fan and as a season ticket holder! Nevermind that emails are programmed to auto populate things like names.)
  • We care about our fans, and I’m going to let you in on our plans so you don’t stop being a fan.
  • OMG for realsies though, thank you for not giving up on us.

Paragraph Two

What’s Dave saying?

  • This season is finally almost over, thank you Sweet Baby Jesus (Joe Mauer?).
  • Fans at Target Field! Yay! Remember how badly 2020 sucked? Rona and racism and riots took its toll on our community. No fans were allowed in the stands last year, plus Minneapolis was the birthplace of a renewed civil rights era. This season didn’t suck nearly as bad as the entirety of 2020 did, you guys, so maybe CTFD with your gloom and doom.
  • Baseball is the glue that can hold all of us together in these divided times... right?

Paragraph Three:

What’s Dave saying?

  • The Twins have been really good the last few years, remember? They made the postseason! (Just don’t think about how they did in postseason play, k?)
  • And it’s not just you, the fans, that are pissed. We, the management and powers that be are hella disappointed too.
  • Blah blah blah growth. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger or some such shit. But we’re totes going to be better... next year.. or sometime... just not now.

Paragraph Four:

What’s Dave saying?

  • Once again, forget about this year’s baseballing, k?
  • I’m not firing Falvey, Levine, or Rocco, so stop asking about it.
  • Our farm team is the future. Maybe we’ll keep Kepler and Polanco, but the rest of the guys are probably dunzo.
  • Our pitching sucks, and we are fully aware of it.
  • Hopefully we find some ways to fill the gaps so next year we can continue to shit the bed in the playoffs.

Paragraph Five:

What’s Dave saying?

  • Again. The farm team is where it’s at. Don’t get too attached to any of the names you know right now.
  • We know you’re all devastated that we traded Berrios and Cruz.
  • Those guys we got for Berrios and Cruz are going to be good. Also, a guy we got for Cruz is pitching in the Olympics. Oh, and they’re pretty much all we’ve got that you haven’t seen this season as we’ve had to put most of our AAA team on our major league roster.

What’s Dave saying?

  • The Pohlads are totally going to buy us a new team for Christmas, along with a pony and a new Xbox.
  • Please please pleeeeeeeeeease don’t stop coming to games.
  • Target Field is super funsies, just don’t watch the score.
  • Please win, guys! Pretty please!!!
  • xoxo, Dave, The Head MF in Charge

It’s hard to love and support a team that has continually let us down over the last few months (or longer if you want to take into account the perpetual postseason failures). At least Dave (or, to be more realistic, his PR person) took the time to validate how we are all feeling. Will we, the - most loyal, and thus the saddest - fans stop going to games? Not likely. Or at least, not this season since we may or may not have too many tickets that nobody is dumb enough to take off of our hands.

Mr. St. Peter is trying to turn our heads toward next season because let’s be honest... this year is a lost cause. Baseball seasons are like having new babies every year. We forget about how awful and painful it was the last time - much like childbirth and struggling to get through sleepless nights. And then we do it all over again and go into Spring Training, just like a new pregnancy. We start anew with all of the excitement and hope of a new season and either block out how awful it was last time, or we pray that it goes a lot smoother this time around. He’s trying to knock us up all over again while we are still in the sleepless nights phase so that we have a little bit of excitement to think about while we are in the very depths of despair.

Does the idea of our brand new baby (the 2022 season) along our other brand new babies, Joe Ryan, Austin Martin and Simeon Woods-Richardson bring us enough hope to get excited (and thus, buy season tickets) right now? In today’s instant-gratification-geared world, not so much. But I do appreciate the email, Dave. It gave me something to write about for Twinkie Town this week.