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Twins 6, Rays 5: Who TF is supposed to be doing this recap

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What the living heck, there should be a draft in the dashboard by now, are you people all completely drunk, I won’t judge.

Minnesota Twins v Tampa Bay Rays
Brandon Lowe and Brett Phillips getting all bro, becuz bros gonna bro
Photo by Douglas P. DeFelice/Getty Images

Hey, you know what happened in this game? Byron Buxton, who’s been bent, effed and broken at the plate since his return from injury, got a single and a double. Nick Gordon, whom it seems the front office is trotting out there just to see him fail and go “not our fault” if he succeeds in MLB anyplace else, got a double of his own and two RBI singles. Jake Cave got two hits, raising his OPS to a Luis Rivas-esque .580. Ben “Morty Mortivedt” Rortvedt got one hit, raising his OPS to .466. Loveable Popeye forearms aside, that’s just not a very good OPS. For those not aware of what OPS numbers are normal, above 1.000 is Barry Bonds with pulsing thromboid veins of cattle stimulants, and sub-.500 is not, not ideal.

A guy started for the Rays named Patino who is not, to my knowledge, an enabler of horrid student abuse at a football school. (Yes, Gophers fans, the U of M is currently bad at football. It’s also respected nationwide for academic excellence. Since your tax dollars pay for it, which quality would you prefer? Do you want to be Florida State?) Gordon, Cave, Rortvedt all reached off Patino in the Inning #2, and Luis Arraez knocked them in, because that’s what a guy who was never on anybody’s top prospect list quite simply does. Griffin Jax and Caleb Thielbar gave up runs which were fewer than Tampa Bay’s pitchers, including J.P. Feyereisen and J.T. Chargois because INITIALS. (Chargois, pronounced “tchaggohiz,” did not give up one of these runs, let’s be fair here.)

Alex Colome came in for the “save,” meaning a lead of three runs or less without blowing it, which is pretty much the most ridiculous stat ever, and he didn’t blow it. Hoorah hoorah yay yay, save goes to the Colome! Robot Roll Call:

# Commenter # Comments
1 Rich's Pitches 7
2 ohwell 6
3 BH-Baseball 4
4 Imakesandwichesforaliving 3
5 SooFoo Fan 2
6 mefoolonhill 2
7 norff 1

Tune in tomorrow at 5:10, if you so choose, for Bailey Ober, possibly the best of Minnesota’s “2021 stinks let’s just throw guys at the wall and see who sticks” late-season rotation, against Logan Allen, who is not Chad. And when I I typed Chad’s name into MLB.com ‘s search interface, I got this fantastic page:

OOF!

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Aw, they care about our sleep, that’s so nice! Mattress Firm is my favorite sports sponsor since Sleep Train put their name on the NBA Sacramento Kings arena, when the Kings were pretty awful. Gimme a team that’s promising to bore me into unconsciousness, or gonna “unjunk” me, I’m so excited to learn more!