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Welcome to the club, newbie

NFL: DEC 02 Vikings at Seahawks Photo by Michael Workman/Icon Sportswire via Getty Images

The January sun shone brightly on the frozen ground of the Twin Cities. Recently unemployed, Rick Spielman blinked a few times, as he sat on a bench, bundled up against the cold. A slight smile crossed as face, as he though “Bud would be so disappointed in me for wearing this coat.” Still, the thought wasn’t enough to lighten his mood. Paul Molitor walking up did even less.

“It’s time Rick, they’re ready for you.”

A quick walk into the nearby Applebees brought Rick to a table. Two well-dressed men sat at a four-top. Several plates on the table showed the near-empty dipping sauce and crumbs to prove the recent demolition of several appetizers. A laptop was open facing them.

“Welcome to the club, Ricky,” said their leader, a man rapidly approaching 70. “They actually did it to me twice.”

“Hello Terry, long time no see” said Rick, as Bill Smith, as always, simply nodded agreement to Ryan’s words. We’ll let Paul explain, he’s the new guy here:

You see Rick, we are the society of fired GMs. It’s kinda like the illuminati, only you know, actually real. We sit around behind the scenes and pull the strings of futility around Minnesota sports. You think you were cursed, you think maybe you just weren’t quite good enough? Nope, it was all us. Hell, we even got Chuck and Andy from here on the zoom, all the way from Philly. Those guys failed their way into a major market, and still hang around to fuck with ya, how’s that for dedication. ”

Ryan chimed in “Remember the bilateral leg weakness episode? Yeah, that was my brain child. We slipped a bribe to a local grocer, he started giving Joe skim milk, and next thing you know, ba-da-bing, Joe can’t function. What a perfect way to waste $20 million a year. Brought Billy here into the club with that master-stroke, ya know.”

Anyway, sorry we had to do ya so dirty, those owners have some loyalty, not just like a bunch of cheapskates I can mention. But yeah, Denny was pretty adamant, it had to happen. And now you get to do the same to the new guy. What do you want to inflict on him? Surely nothing so evil as Cousins, right?”