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Jake Cave “confused” by existence of Old Bay seasoning

“Where the F**k is the ranch?

Minnesota Twins v New York Yankees Photo by Brace Hemmelgarn/Minnesota Twins/Getty Images

Prior to being claimed on waivers by the Baltimore Orioles a couple weeks ago, Jake Cave spent the previous half-decade as the Twins’ fourth outfielder, with a stint playing in the big leagues every one of those five years. During this time, his tastes appear to have... evolved. This spring he was overheard explaining the cuisine of the Upper Midwest to recently acquired Chris Paddack:

“Oh, yeah. You can fry anything ya know. the Walleye, real good fried. The cheese curds, those are the best. Ya know, they’re even frying up candy bars and oreos over at the State Fair now. But the secret to good cooking, you gotta dip it in ranch. Doesn’t matter what, its better in ranch. Cheese curds. Yup. Pizza, french fries, yup, yup. Doesn’t matter. It makes everything better.

So just imagine the shock he might have felt being abruptly rehomed to a place where everything is seasoned with an over-hyped version of celery salt.

Before even exiting the Baltimore airport, he was screaming:

Even goldfish crackers aren’t sacred anymore! These people are monsters! Where the f**k is the ranch??? WHY IS EVERYTHING SO SPICY?!?”

The oddest part about this story, of course, is that Cave, a Virginia native, should know better. I guess he really did become “one of us.”