Dear HOA: A petition to ban scary Halloween costumes, by Joseph P Mauer

Dear HOA Board,

I have been living in your HOA since 2004. My friend Justin used to live with me. We had a fridge full of milk and Gatorade. and Justin had some beer sometimes. But he said its okay cuz he’s from Canada. Then I got married and he had to move out. Sometimes I miss him. But usually when I do, my wife gives me a froot rollup, and everything is okay. But every year on Halloween, Justin has to come over.

We spend the night in the living room, sleeping in our sleeping bags, eating frozen pizza, and watching cartoons! Its pretty great. But this year Justin says he can’t come over! Something about being an adult. That’s silly. But Justin has to come over, or I get scared! All those scary costumes just get me so worked up! Mom says I shouldn’t be afraid, but I am!

Good costumes aren’t scary. They’re things like astronauts and superheros and those sausage guys from Milwaukee.

So please, HOA board, can you please ban scary costumes? Even just for this year? Here is a list to help you get started.

Vampires
Ghouls
Zombies
Phil Cuzzi
Warewolfs
Frankensteins
Bi-lateral leg weakness
Muskies
Mummies
That Scream guy
Dinosaurs
Sconnies
Clowns
Cannibals
New York Yankees.

Especially New York Yankees. Carl Pavano dressed up like one once, and I didn’t sleep for a week!

Your Friend,

Joseph P Mauer