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Twins 1, Royals 0: Thank you for your sacrifice

Basically entire team hitting under the Mendoza line? No problem!

Minnesota Twins v Kansas City Royals
Pictured: Joe
Photo by Ed Zurga/Getty Images

Joe Ryan (last name unknown) continues to be an excellent Joe, striking out 5 Royals, and allowing only 3 base-runners over 6 scoreless innings and proving to be a better Ryan than John Ryan Murphy, presumably do to one less name weighting him down.

Meanwhile, the Twins got 8 (6 of which were off Royals startsman Zack Greinke) hits, but I won’t be talking about any of them because few of them really matter. What actually mattered was a non-hit Sac Fly by Miguel Sano (whose batting average is currently .083 percent higher than I would be projected to hit. ) brought in Gio Urshela (who walked to reach base.)

“Nice start Joe!” Ryan probably said to his battery-mate as Joe Ryan finished his day. “Thanks Ryan.” Joe probably replied. “Jhoan and Joe can take it from here.”

And so they did. Jhoan Duran and Joe Smith each pitched a quick inning, while the Twins offense continued to no actually score runs.

“Sadly I am not a Joe.” said Emilijoe Emilio Pagan, coming in in the 9th to immediately walk the first batter he faced, immediately giving 30% of Minnesotans a depressive episode.

Then the god of Joes, Joe Mauer descended from the skies, riding a unicorn of pure serenity. “Joe is a state of mind.” he said, his voice angelic as his hair.

Empowered by the legendary Joe, Pagan retired the next three batters to secure the save. Go Joe!

STUDS: Joe, Jhoan, Joe, Gio

DUDS: No

COTG: “Ȩ̸̛̞̦̼͙̣͚̙̭͙͑̎̈́́̽̅̏͛̇̍̈̕͘͜m̴̨͇̤̝̠̖̩̫̯͛͛̐͂̇́̿͛̔̆̕͠ȋ̷̝̠̖͕͚̬͕̭̥͈̼̘̘̠́̈́͛̑̀ļ̸̡͕͓̮̩̥͙͗̾̈́̄̈́́̈́͐̌̾͗̚̕̚i̸̠̋ò̷̫͔̤̈́͜͝ ̵̢̫͎̰͚͚̻̦͕͓̳̃͛̑̀͒͐͐̈́͂̓͌͝͠ͅP̷͎̥̝̬̳̟̞̥̲̣̈̓̆̏̽͛̓̓̏̔̎͌̓͘͠ả̴̘̯̫͔̥̬̖̾̉g̷̢̢̧̼̦̻͉͓̪͔̲̯͓̘̎̅ͅá̶̪̭̝̠̱̤̫̳͔̙͉̯̔͒̔̓̔ͅn̴͕͉̮̬͖̮̰̱̈́̂̈̆̌͂̊̓͒͒͋ is warming up in the bullpen, so yes presumably his dark machinations will be revealed in the bottom of the 9th inning.” - mikecardii