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Twins 1, Guardians 0: I guess that works!

Smeltzer brings the Twins back on top.

Cleveland Guardians v Minnesota Twins Photo by Stephen Maturen/Getty Images

After losing 6 to 5 (in extras) and 11 to 10 (blowing it in the 9th) the Twins decided to just be cool guys playing normal baseball and score one entire run and win against the team that just knocked them out of 1st place in their division.

Okay, cool.

Devin Smeltzer extracted gold on the diamond, pitching 6 innings of shut-out ball, giving up only 3 hits while striking out 3 and walking absolutely no one. I can’t say enough good things about Smeltzer, there will be no puns about pungent aromas tonight. Maybe. Probably. A limit of one at least.

How did the Twins score their one run, you ask? Well known power hitter Nick Gordon hit a big ol’ dong in the 3rd inning. Absolutely no one in the entire world thought that would be enough runs, but here we are. A bunch of idiots being wrong together.

Anyway, its the 7th and here comes Joe Smith sailing onto the mound with his raccoon. I must reassure you that Joe Smith is a real person and not a placeholder name in a form letter we forgot to fill out. I can only assume it was his name on a fake ID and eventually he just decided “ah, f- it, this is just my name now.”

So anyway he’s gonna load the bases with no outs. As you do. “Just making it interesting” as my mom always says. Then, like an absolute madman, he’s gonna get two fielder’s choices and a lineout to get out of the inning with no damage.


After the ol’ Smelt and Smith, Jhoan Duran (the only good reliever in the Bullpen of Misfit Pitchers) came in and did was good relivers do, promptly got 3 outs (after a HBP that was completely just umps making things up to entertain themselves.)

“Oh my god please keep Duran in for the 9th” said literally every soul in Minnesota including the ghost floating behind you right now.

And Rocco listened, bringing Duran back in to strike out the first batter of the 9th.

“lol” said Baldelli “lmao”

He then brought in Caleb “Over 6.00 ERA” Thielbar in for reasons I’ll literally never understand.

Despite the cartoonish plumes of steam billowing out of my ears in rage as Thielbar immediately gave up a double, this somehow worked out in the end as he secured the save without further incident.

Yeah, okay. Don’t think just because your nonsense wasn’t punished I think you are some kind of brain genius now, Rocco. One false step and its back to the Delli for Balls.

STUDS: Smeltzer, Gordon, Duran

DUDS: None because I don’t have the hear to say Arraez.

COTG: “And the Twins, clinging for dear life to a 401 run lead entering the 9th inning…” - Wannabe525

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