Guardians 5, Twins 3: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no ,no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and also no

CRAWLING IN MY SKIN

THESE WOUNDS THEY WILL NOT HEE-ALLLL

MAYBE IF I DO A BAD JOB OF THIS RECAP THEY’LL FIRE ME AND I WON’T HAVE TO WATCH THIS TEAM IMPLODE

I’VE LOST THE BEAT OF THIS SONG

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Okay, so the Twins didn’t score first, but they pulled ahead 3 to 1 early, thanks to Jose Miranda hitting a 3 run double in the 3rd to score Luis Arraez, Carlos Correa, and Max Kepler.

And oh, how we will look back at the 3rd-7th innings as the Halcyon days of yore, when young Byrons Buxton and Luises Arraez frolicked happily in the grass, grazing peacefully in their utopia, unaware of the horrors that mankind can wrought upon the course of nature. Unaware of the ambivalence of god, and the vast emptiness of the interstellar medium, which can only serve to freeze out the life in you, and then chip away at your very being, particle by particle.

They were better times. Then the 8th came, and Tyler Thornburg arrived. Myles Straw, a literal Straw Man, singled in two runs, tying the game at 3 apiece. We know where this is going. Do I even have to write the rest of this recap?

The Twins survived to the bottom of the 9th, when Rocco “Bullpen Wiz” Baldelli brough Thornburg back in, instead of sending him back to the burg for thorns. After giving up a lead-off walk to Jose Ramirez, Nigel Thornberry got the next two outs.

“Perhaps there is a chance.” the slightest voice whispered from the deepest recesses of our conciousness. Perhaps we may still win, afterall.”

And then came that sight. That horrible, indescribable sight.

Andres Giminez has just walked off with a two-run soul-destroying homerun. The abyss is calling, no one shall be spared its caress.

ALL DUDS, TWINS LOSE

Funny Gamethread Post Award: Blake Donlon

“ And I would walk 6 whole batters

And I would walk 6 batters more

Just to be the man who walked a ton of guys

To fall down on the mound

Ba da da da (ba da da da) ”