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White Sox: a lot, Twins: a little: LOBotomize me, please

Probably drive runs in if you want to win games going forward.

Chicago White Sox v Minnesota Twins
“Can’t wait to somehow not score after this leadoff triple, YEAH!”
Photo by David Berding/Getty Images

Wow, okay. This was what we in the biz call a “poo poo pee pee game” that belongs in a toilet. A toilet for losers. Sonny Gray took the mound for the opener of a big division rivalry series. Gray is exactly who you want pitching in this situation, so predictably the Twins lost 40 billion to 2. If you want to know the actual score, look it up. I already forgot and I don’t care enough to revisit this travesty.

We got the bases loaded, we leave the bases loaded. Buxton leads off an inning with a triple? Yeah somehow he’s not gonna score, despite being the fastest man on the planet and only need a ball to be hit on the ground literally anywhere, or in the air outside of the infield.

In the 2nd, Jose Miranda managed to single after a 9 pitch battle with Johnny Cueto, then get doubled in by Gio Urshela. Things seemed better back then.

Oh, what’s that? Luis Robert just hit a grand heckin’ slam in the 4th? Better sound the PESSIMISM alarm, because this team makes me want to dig a hole and live in it, only to pop out and scream at passersby about the futility of life and Minnesota sports like some sort of crazy mole witch. The Twins are in first place, btw. We’re a jaded fanbase and I apologize.

On the bright side, the 9th was still slightly worth watching because Nick Gordon got to pitch, and was roughly as good as any other member of the Twins’ bullpen. Kyle Garlick would also homer, to bring the Twins total score to slightly more than 1.

I will not even humor you with a studs column. All duds, Twins lose. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. Do not Yahtzee. Do not Jenga, unless Jenga-ing is bad, in which case do Jenga. I’ve never played Jenga. Get you living room destroyed by the Jumanji rhino. I don’t know, I’m tired.

(I recently got a comment about how intelligent my recaps are so I hope that guy reads this one lmao)