After some early boompowder, the Twins bats go quiet. Their pitching holds, though, and Texas TOOTBLANS to end a late threat. Inning-by-inning notes:
1: Dylan Bundy strikes out Marcus Semien, whose last name we WILL PRONOUNCE LIKE WE’RE NOT 12-YEAR-OLD BOYS, and gets the rest of Texas to put the perfect game watch on. Suuurrrre.
But, odd things can happen. Martín Pérez hasn’t given up a homerun to a lefthander this year; he does so here, because of Noted Big Bopper Luis Arreaz. Less odd, Jose Miranda does the same thing with a different sidedness.
An early candidate for COTG comes from Joeyself: “I found it interesting that the Miranda in the case was convicted without using his tainted confession, and couldn’t stay out of trouble after he was released from prison: https://www.history.com/topics/united-states-constitution/miranda-rights“
If the point needs stressing, to the dumb, cops & prosecutors should do their jobs, not cheat. As Charlie Pierce says, history is so cool. Twins 2-0
2: Bundy allows a leadoff single yet works around it. Maybe he is seriously like actor Ed O’Neill, who played total oaf Al Bundy on TV but was actually quite a good actor (see his performance in the movie “Blue Chips” for an example). The Dylan Bundy we’ve seen so far hides a much more talented interior? Anything’s possible.
As the Twins get stymied by Pérez, I notice that sandwiches (and others) have complained about the game being only on the little-watched Apple TV tonight. sandwiches mentioned “It ruins my bar night!” I wonder how much trouble a bar might get into if they actually put Apple TV on during the game? (Granted, this would involve a level of technical know-how most bar owners do not possess, although some bartenders I’ve known could figure it out.)
When I worked at a movie theater as a projectionist in my teens, I liked playing CDs in between screenings, in order to hear them on the big theater speakers. One Earth Day, I put on R.E.M.’s Green album. Well, there was a Warner Bros. executive in the theater, and he let it be known that you do NOT play Warner music without proper licensing.
Executives are jerks.
3: Semien walks here. And we will continue not to think uncouth things about his name. Again, Bundy gets out of it. He’s at least the best Bundy at managing a mistake since... McGeorge? (Look it up, I won’t do all the work for you.)
The Twins do nothing. Apple TV is running an ad on the radio for Apple TV, which seems very... odd. It’s quite dramatic and features a very deep voice talking about how only on Apple TV can you catch the great important moments of baseball. If my ears are to be trusted, this ad is read by Will Arnett. That’s pretty dang funny, actually, although I’m sure Apple execs didn’t intend it this way.
4: Jorge Polanco draws a walk! This is notable because he’s been out the last few games. Nothing more notable happens in this game right now, so I’m going to share another Jerk Warner Executive Movie Theater Story:
It’s 1989, and "Batman" is a huge hit movie. Sony, which owns Warner, the studio that made "Batman," rents out our theater for a private showing. Because it’s one of the biggest screens in America (this is also what made the speakers cool for playing music). The place is packed. 1050 executives in suits. In summer. Probably 100 degrees outside.
And the air conditioning breaks right as the showing starts.
I was working the concessions counter, and guess how many Type Alpha Males came up DEMANDING I do something about the air conditioning? Like I can fix an air conditioner!
Oh, Lord, these were horrible people. But it was fun to see them all sweaty/annoyed. After 50 or so make the exact same complaint, you really stop giving a crap about the next one being mean. You know how much longer the movie runs.
"Yes, it's broken, we've put in a call... NEXT! Can people who actually want a free cold soda step in front, please?"
5: If you didn’t see it, allow me to direct you to Do-Hyoung Park’s weekly newsletter. These are always good, but this time he actually found a fan at Target Field wearing a Isiah Kiner-Falefa jersey (you’ll remember the player who was part of the Twins’ March dealings for, approximately, nine seconds). It’s amusing stuff.
Hey, baseball happening! There’s a Byron Buxton walk, Arraez walk, and we get Miranda up with two outs! Alas, his bat elects to use its right to remain silent. Whiff. (Pérez has certainly rebounded from that earlier Miranda dong.)
6: Cue some John Foley KNOWLEDGE:
Public Service Announcement for the complaints about to come when Bundy gets pulled: He’s giving up a ton of hard contact. Half of the balls in play the last two innings were well over 100-mph off the bat. He’s not rolling. He got 4 whiffs in 31 swings (in just 57 pitches). He’s dancing with fire throwing batting practice and getting extremely fortunate batted ball luck tonight.
Yeah, this sounds smartypants, and Bundy’s been pretty blah this year, but if this prediction proves wrong then FIRE JOHN.
After a leadoff single to speedster Bubba Thompson, and after whiffing Semien (can that get you high?), Bundy is pulled for Caleb Thielbar. Radio notes (in an anti-jinx?) that Thielbar’s last homer surrendered was to Corey Seager, who’s hitting here. Thielbar does get Seager, on a tough AB, but Thompson steals second. He scores easily on a Nathaniel Lowe (who?) single, and Thielbar Ks Adolis Garcia to end things. It’s Twins bullpen time!
Let’s score, please. Polanco smacks a one-out double. but NO. Original ex-Senators over copycat ex-Senators 2-1
7: Trevor Megill is in. Surprising, maybe, but he’s the plucky underdog secretary who’s determined to show all those corporate bigwigs that he’s got the brains and bod to make it on Wall Street. Wait, that’s Tess McGill. With one out, Leody Taveras gets a hit. Megill walks career .313 OBP Brad Miller (which sounds like a fake name). Megill gets the next two guys — like, barely (Buxton helps a lot on the last one), but you let that river run, Trevor. Let all the dreamers face the nation.
Pérez is finally gone. He’s replaced by a Brock Burke (which also sounds like a fake name). Anyhoo, the Twins don’t do anything.
8: You wanna score, Texas? Well, you better hear the breathing of Jhoan Duran closely behind. (Quick lookup thing: it appears the lyrics to that song were inspired by the fairy tale “Little Red Riding Hood,” so they’re less prowler-esque. Kinda. They’re still kinda creepy.)
The Twins really aren’t hitting. Is Texas’s pitching that good. Don’t answer this. You can try but I’ll just shout NONONONO
9: Alright, new guy, do your thing. And he does, in the best Eddie Guardado fashion (is he here to celebrate Gardy’s induction into the team HOF? He should be, Gardy gave him his spot.)
Yep, Jorge Yabiel López puts two on with one out. But then after Miller absolutely smokes one to right, Max Kepler is luckily in the right spot. He quickly throws back to second, where Charlie Culberson is doubled off:
This is why your executives were all just fired, Texas players — although, they may not mind this. Either meaning of “they.” Twims win!
Studs: Arraez, Miranda, pitching (kinda), Kepler being smarter than a baserunner
Duds: Cleveland for winning again and maintaining their division lead
COTG goes to Wannabe 525 for suggesting old Carol Burnett parodies of “Sunset Boulevard” for us to look up on YouTube. Also everyone who hated on Apple TV.
Tune in tomorrow on regular TV at 6:10 for someone called a Glenn Otto vs. Chris Archer, and GoTwinsGo!
(I gotta be up early, I’m not gonna sweat this recap too much. Go check the intro if you want something better!)