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Twins 9, Giants 0: Like Lizzo sings, it’s about d**n time

When nine guys bat in one inning, you have a good chance of ending your losing streak.

San Francisco Giants v Minnesota Twins
Asking God to “pull my finger”
Photo by David Berding/Getty Images

Joe Ryan allows all of two hits and the Twins ACTUALLY KNOCK IN RUNNERS to end the six-game losing streak, because the Twins like me better than they do Tawny. Inning-by-inning notes:

1: After getting two guys easily, Joe Ryan walks Joc Pederson and takes awhile striking out Evan Longoria (he’s still in baseball? Good for him). Since Ryan can’t go more than two turns through the lineup, anyways, I say go ahead and throw 19 pitches per inning, Joe. You wanna keep those muscles strong.

Kyle Garlick will save us? He’s about the only Twin who can hit lefties, and he’s back from the IL. Perhaps Giants starter Alex Wood knows this and fears this, as he accidentally plunks Kyle The Vampire Hunter to lead off this inning. Then Carlos Correa homers! Garlick WILL save us! Twins 2-0

2: Ryan is taking my advice too much to heart without even having read it yet — he coughs up a walk and a double to put the tying run on second. Mike Yastrzemski fouls off a bunch of pitches then pops out. (Yes, he is Grandson Of Carl.) Up comes #9 guy Joey Bart, which is the perfect San Francisco name, and he lines out to left. No runs. Ryan adds 26 more pitches to his total.

Conversely, Wood zips through the Twins, just as he did last inning after that plunk & homer. If he keeps up this pace, I won’t get any house projects done tonight. Not like I would have anyways. But isn’t it pretty to think so?

3: Only 14 pitches for Ryan this time. How mundane.

Here we go? Sandy Leon, Garlick, and Correa all smack hard liners. Jose Miranda, who’s been struggling lately (along with every other Twins hitter, really) sac flies Leon in. It’d be nice to not have a LOBster fest for once...

A 2-2 wild pitch to Gio Urshela moves both runners up a base. Please, just one more RBI, please? Well, Urshela whiffs. Jorge Polanco is plunked. That puts Lead Astrologer Gilberto Celestino up.

Yeah, baby! It’s off the wall! Everybody scores!

And then everybody scores on a Gary Sanchez Dong. This gets no exclamation point because only one guy was on base. It’s still cool. Provus says “maybe the Twins should arrive in town at 3AM more often.”

The opposite of crispy LOBster is juicy RBI steak. 8-0

4: Another easy inning for Ryan. 12 pitches. Might he actually go more than 5 IP? Nah, it’s inconceivable, as Wallace Shawn would say. He’d also criticize unfettered capitalism, and play a Ferengi.

Wood leaves for old acquaintance Zack Littell, and Gladden reminds us that he came to Minnesota in a truly Weird series of trades. In 2017, a week or so before the deadline, the Falvine picked up veteran pitcher Jaime Garcia. The Twins lost a few games (only winning the one Garcia started), fell back in the standings, and Garcia was traded away at the deadline to the Yanquis for Littell. The Twins made the WC play-in game, against those Yanquis. Littell did not pitch in that game. The Twins went up 3-0 in the first inning. You know what happened next.

Anyways, he gives up two hits (including another by Garlick), but the Twins don’t score.

5: Ryan rolls right along, 84 pitches now. San Fran brings in Tyler Rogers, brother of Trogdor! He’s a submariner, which Taylor is not. He walks Polanco, then remembers “there’s no walking in submarine movies” and torpedoes the rest of the Twins.

6: “Please, mean Mr. Baldelli, don’t make me go longer than 5 innings!”

“but we have an eight-run lead”

“How about if I walk the leadoff guy on four pitches and hit the next guy?”

“ok, I’ll get Emilio Pagán warming up”

“What, and add those inherited runners to my ERA? No, I’ll just get the next three guys out, thank you very much.”

“thought you might see it that way”

7: Provus mentions having caught a ball in the booth using Gladden’s glove. OK, fine. But then he says the ball came from TC “hitting it perfectly.” Huh? Does TC fungo pop flies into the stands, now? That’s pretty talented mascotting, if so. Otherwise, maybe it was the stretchy thing.

Yes, it is His Dark Materials. An eight-run lead has the only Magick powerful enough to neutralize Pagán’s nefarious mojo. Nothing happens.

San Francisco brings in someone named Dominic Leone, which sounds like a spaghetti western hobbit actor. Nothing happens.

8: OK, fans of position players pitching, it’s one Austin Wynns. How do the Twins do?

Nick Gordon: lineout

Sandy Leon: strikeout

Kyle Garlick: home run

Jake Cave: um

Almost home of relocated Giants over actual home of relocated Giants 9-0

9: Deadline acquisition Michael Fulmer’s turn, after getted thermonuked on Thursday. One hit, one GIDP, one flyout. No duds, Twims wim!

Your studs tonight are pretty obvious. Ryan (6.0 IP, 2 H, 3 BB, 0 ER). Correa (2-3, BB, HR). Garlick (3-4, HBP, HR). Celestino (1-3, BB, absolutely HUGE 3 RBI).

COTG goes to trigozobob for a visual representation of the Twins “turning this baby around”:

This ghost baby must exist in this loop for 1000 years for having yelled at a kid in a past life.

Hey, you never know. Also points for reading the “dek,” and for noting that in a late defensive substitution Hamilton replaced Miranda at first.

Minnesota remains 4 GB of Cleveland in the division, and 5 GB of Seattle for the final wildcard spot. Those teams are playing right now, in Seattle. It’s in a different time.

Tomorrow’s game will be at 6:15, featuring Minnesota’s best starter Sonny Gray against San Fransisco’s other Alex, a Cobb. Catch ya then, maybe!