Detroit 7, Minnesota 1: Liners and Tigers and bombas, oh zzzzzzz

Possibly the loveliest night we’ll have in Minnesota this summer was a lousy night to spend with Twins baseball, as Detroit took their commanding lead in an early, frustrating inning for starter Joe Ryan. He’d stick around for a while, but probably most Twins fans did not. Inning-by-inning notes:

1: Since this is Bullpen Day for the Tigers, we’ll rank each reliever by how well they fare versus whomever the Twins have out there. Joe Ryan strikes out two in a quick inning. “Will Vest” strikes out two in a quick inning. Striking out any Twins doesn’t impress me, so Will Vest sucks

2: Andy Ibañez hits .217, with 22 strikeouts, six walks, and four homers. He’s an honorary Twin, then. He makes Ryan throw seven pitches, so more patient than a Twin. All three Tigers fly out to Alex Kirilloff. This gets style points for Ryan, who intended it that way.

Let’s see what kind of style “Mason Englert” has. Hmm. DONG to Kirilloff. That fits. Inducing a TOOTBLAN! Very cool.

(Donovan Solano went first-to-third on a Gallo double, saw Tommy “PUNCH IT” Watkins waving him around, went around, saw Watkins now signing “STOP,” got caught wobbling back to third.)

Since TOOTBLANS cause the most pain to opposing fans, Englert slyly rules

3: Rookie Canadian Edouard Julien goes to his right in front of Gold Glover Correa, bobbles it, and Matt Vierling reaches. He will score as the Tigers go Single, Dribbly Single, Duck Fart, Popout, Sac Fly...

...and Javier Báez HOMERUN on Ryan’s 24th pitch of the inning.

This game is now F*$%#NG OVER and I don’t give a F$#K what happens from here on out. Anyone at the game who isn’t leaving is a moron. Anyone at home still watching or listening is a more frugal moron. I actually HOPE Detroit wins this f&*$#ng terrible division (but they won’t, it’ll be Cleveland). Interesting underdog team 5, increasingly boring .500-ish team 1

4: Vierling, who led off last inning (you may recall), homers in this inning. With the Twins doing their own Bullpen Day tomorrow (or a callup, or something), this relief corps is going to be gassed. Or Ryan will suck it up and throw like 193 pitches FOR THE TEAM.

I was unaware Jonathan Schoop was still on the Tigers. I was unaware Jonathan Schoop was still in baseball. Is C.J. Cron? (Looks it up.) Yes, with Colorado. I always root for Colorado. Which is why they stink now. Anyhoo. Something called a Tyler Holton pitches. I says Holton Hears A Who Gives A $#%@, Tigers 6-1

5: We’ll do Comment Of The GT early, tonight. From sandwiches:

Wow, ok

Super wow...

Okay, this is getting worse.

I’m drunk and realized I’m on yesterday’s recap. Disregard.

6: Here’s something much more interesting than this game.

The Tigers have a player named Kerry Carpenter. I learned yesterday that the legendary singer Karen Carpenter was a great drummer. She actually preferred drumming to being a lead singer, and at one point was voted the best drummer in music, ahead of Led Zeppelin’s John Bonham (this did not make Bonham happy). The person who told me this said “look up some videos of Karen Carpenter going nuts on the drums, you’ll love ‘em.”

Told you that was more interesting.

7: All props where props are due to Joe Ryan. After that 27-pitch third inning, he’d throw 47 more to get through four more innings. The guy’s a trouper.

8: Another more interesting thing than this game. Miguel Cabrera’s first MLB home run was in an interleague game between the Marlins and Devil Rays (that was the team’s name, before it was changed to placate fundamentalist loonies who presumably can’t say “deviled eggs” or watch the end of “Close Encounters.”)

Anyways, guess who was playing CF and got to see Cabrera’s homer sail over his head? Rocco Baldelli.

9: Matt Vierling, who dongs Josh Winder here, was 3-3 with a walk last night. He’s 3-4 with two homers tonight. Good for you, Matt! Twims lohse.

The Twins are 35-35, with Cleveland 2.0 GB and Detroit/Chicago both 5.0 GB (Cleveland and Chicago games still ongoing).

Studs: Ryan (kinda) for sticking with it, Solano/Julien both hitting 2-4

Duds: Solano’s TOOTBLAN (somewhat not his fault), Julien’s fielding bobble (gotta respect the effort), sleepy rest of team

Sorry if the recap went a bit negative... but we’re not even halfway through the season and it already feels like 2018, or 2021-2022. I’m finding it difficult to maintain much hope for anything besides the symbolic victory of winning one playoff game. And that really isn’t much to get excited about. (Assuming the Twins can make the playoffs to begin with.)

We’re talking about a team whose manager and two-time All-Star pitcher aren’t getting along. Whose longest-lasting, most expensive contracts on the future payroll are a player who’s always had injury problems and another who had two offers rescinded by other teams over medical concerns. A team whose former players named Rooker, Wade, Steer, Baddoo, Wells, and Chargois are arguably more interesting than all but a few young Twins. Oh, and missing the guy whose sister nicknamed him “La Regadera (The Sprinkler)” for his ability to hit to all fields. Do I really need to type his name? (Fun article, BTW.)

Tune in tomorrow at 1:10 when the Tigers put up scuffling lefty youngster Joey Wentz against the Twins' own Bullpen Day/Rocco's Magical Arm Barn!