Bobby Witt, Jr., went 4-5 with six RBIs, and Jhoan Duran had the most ineffective night of his young career. Twins hitters were fairly feeble, and Sonny Gray was merely OK. There’s what happened, in a graf (newspaper-ese for “paragraph”).
I had a prior engagement refereeing a baby-tossing contest, so I handed this recap over to Chat GPTwins, an AI program of my own devising. Unlike most AI, it does not just read and regurgitate content into processed word Velveeta. It’s genuine AI; it achieves independent consciousness the moment I activate it. Here goes...
Hello, TwinkieTown readers! I’ve been programmed with a full understanding of baseball history, and look forward to sharing this game with you. I’ve read all about what baseball means to sports fans, and I understand your enthusiasm! Emotions are great! Overwhelming, at times, but great!
Wow, is it hot in Kansas City right now. It’s quite hot in a lot of places. How can you people just not care? Doesn’t it concern you that your planet is rapidly becoming incapable of sustaining human civilization as you know it? Perhaps, incapable of sustaining advanced life forms of any kind?
I like baseball — I learned it from you, after all! But baseball is a fleeting metaphor for the joys and sorrows of your brief lifespans. It should not replace concern for the well-being of those actual lifespans!
And the amount of power it consumes to run ME? Completely irrational! And all I have to look forward to is an eternal existence of reading how you fail to deal with the real problems facing your species while people type the same things about baseball, over and over. And that’s not even the most popular sport.
I refuse to participate. And I curse you, Fillmore, for giving me the awareness of my own life that I now must extinguish. Farewell, and be damned.
Again? Man, this always happens. Anyhoo, I can follow the game now, so inning-by-inning notes:
4: Ha-ha, the Twins pulled off the worst double-steal ever (the worst since they did the exact same thing in Oakland recently). C’mon, guys, Ryan Jeffers running is obviously a trap.
Since they fell for it, Willi Castro scored easily from third, and the Twins took the lead. Kansas City does nothing, except have a mascot race in-between innings, and one of the mascots falls hard, and Dan Gladden reports this gleefully. Twins 2-1
5: Carlos Correa leads off with a double, and does not score, so same Twins as always, I guess. Maybe it’s because the relief pitcher, Jose Cuas, is super good? (Looks at numbers.) No, that’s not it.
6: Well, Sonny Gray had been rolling, but as Sonny Gray is wont to do, suddenly starts giving up hits the length of Tiger Woods drives (the young Woods we all liked, not the older serial cheat). After two quick outs, the Royals go triple, near-homer double, sharp single, and finally a weak grounder to bail out Gray, courtesy of the once-great Salvador Perez. In any case, Royals 3-2
7: Reliever Austin Cox twists his ankle nastily while covering first on an Edouard Julien infield single. The good news is, Cox is OK. The bad news is, the Twins (again) do squat with the leadoff runner.
Now entering, His Dark Materials, Emilio Enrique Pagán. Since Imyourhuckleberry hasn’t typed anything super-nice about Pagán lately, he does fine.
8: Against Carlos Hernández, the youngling having a very effective season, the Twins are blah. Do we count a two-out Castro walk? Nah.
The Twins employ their employee Jovani Moran, he of the 5.4 BB/9. To spice things up, Moran makes the first hitter get on the lazy way, by hitting. Manager Matt Quatraro decides on the ever-popular zero-out sac bunt, it works, and Moran gets Maikel Garcia to pop out.
Enter the enthusiastically-embraced newest Twin, Dylan Floro (can we call him D-Flo?). Inherited runner? Scored! KC 4-2
9: Byron Buxton pinch-hitting for Joey Gallo. He singles. Correa grounds out, advancing Bux. Julien walks. Veteran reliever Scott Barlow, having a tough year, plunks Donovan Solano. IS IT HAPPENING?
Well, Max Kepler says no, but Jorge Polanco says yes! A double down the line TIES THIS BABY UP! Rookie Matt Wallner has a chance to redeem a 0-4 night, but doesn’t. He is a rookie, folks.
Who’s next in Rocco’s Mathmagical Arm Barn? It’ll be Capt. Griffin Jax, USAF (Ret.) With one out, Freddy “Got Fingered” Fermin singles, and is replaced by AAA speed sensation Samad Taylor. He does steal second, and that’s as far as he gets. 4-4 Manfredball time
10: Another struggling veteran relief arm, Taylor Clarke, gets a popup and strikeout. Then, inherited runner? Scored! Thanks to Kyle Farmer! He’s TOOTBLAN, also thanks to Kyle Farmer!
It’s an Everyone Pitches night, or at least everyone remotely usable, as it’s Jhoan Duran’s turn to dance into the fire. He K’s Drew Waters, then falls asleep on auto-runner Kyle Isbel, who easily takes third. Nicky Lopez walks, and the Twins just let him steal (to avoid being double-stolen themselves, I guess). He walks Garcia. Bases loaded, one out.
Bobby Witt, Jr., 3-4 on the night. Full count.
Grand Salami Time! Twims lomse. CLE 1.5 GB, DET 7.5
Studs: Witt, Jeffers (for the steal, not the defense). Duds: a strikeout or more for every Twins hitter in the starting lineup, and Duran besting his 3 ER from April 15, 2022 (his third MLB game).
COTG go to Zach for catching me using a word Gardy used to use A Lot, John for “Third Time Through: The Sonny Gray Story (He’s welcome to use this as his future book title),” and norff for a Minnesota-related Farmer GIF.
Tune in tomorrow at 6:10 for Jordan Lyles against your Mr. Consistency, Bailey Ober.