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Phillies 13, Twins 2: They blew up the pitchin’ man in Philly last night

And they blew up the bullpen, too.

Minnesota Twins v Philadelphia Phillies
He could throw that speedball by ya, make ya look like a fool
Photo by Tim Nwachukwu/Getty Images

“Is the great Dallas Keuchel experiment over?” asked commenter gintzer, and the answer is “let’s hope so.” In a game that was essentially over within 40 minutes, the goal was for nobody to get hurt, and hopefully nobody was (Kyle Schwarber did hit a ball off his foot). This recap was made typeable with music by and about Pennsylvania’s neighbor state. Inning-by-inning notes:

1: Since we’ve all been hard on Joey Gallo recently, Willi Castro and Jordan Luplow would like to remind us that “hey, we can strike out, too!” Carlos Correa doubles, but any rally dies for love.

2: Who’s got time for those corner boys making noise? It’s sometimes-3B Jorge Polanco and always-RF Max Kepler with back-to-back solo dong strokes.

But uh-oh, the real Dallas Keuchel shows up. Let’s begin with two doubles, a single, walk, and HBP, please! After Nick Castellanos gets his second hit of the inning, Rocco goes to the bullpen. It’s gonna be a long night. Josh Winder gets the final out, and it’s Phillies 6-2

3: A leadoff walk from Luplow is shot through the heart by Ryan Jeffers’ GIDP. Winder’s job is to keep going until he implodes and hopefully saves the good bullpen pitchers for tomorrow. So far, so good.

4: With two on and two out, Joey Gallo OH F**K THIS, let’s read about how Hoboken band Yo La Tengo chose their name. From Wiki:

The name came from a baseball anecdote that occurred during the 1962 season, when New York Mets center fielder Richie Ashburn and shortstop Elio Chacón found themselves colliding in the outfield. When Ashburn went for a catch, he would scream, “I got it! I got it!” only to run into Chacón, a Venezuelan who spoke only Spanish. Ashburn learned to yell, “Yo la tengo! Yo la tengo!” instead. In a later game, Ashburn happily saw Chacón backing off. He relaxed, positioned himself to catch the ball, and was instead run over by left fielder Frank Thomas, who understood no Spanish and had missed a team meeting that proposed using the words “Yo la tengo!” as a way to avoid outfield collisions. After getting up, Thomas asked Ashburn, “What the hell is a yellow tango?”

They’re still around, by the way, and still pretty good.

Oh, did I type “until he implodes” about Winder? Yeah, that’s now. Oh, what a night. Phils 9-2

5: What do you get with a two-out walk? A guy with a pin to burst your bubble, which is Cristopher Sánchez after that second inning, although he might be done at 91 pitches.

Head Rock appearance! It’s just another day as a last-ditch reliever for Brent Headrick. He does a nice job, here. An odd missing piece for the Twins this season has been a Brian Duensing, Tommy Milone type who can eat meaningless innings. They’ve rarely been blown out, or had a huge lead after a short start, so it hasn’t been a big need.

6: I was wrong, Sánchez is back in, killing me softly with his teasing WHIP; the Twins have had someone on every inning, they just aren’t doing anything with them. And Headrick’s last inning was definitely too good to be true, as he serves up back-to-backs of his own.

7: Who’s down with OBP? Not the Twins here, as someone called a Jeff Hoffman sits them down quickly.

I believe that children are our future, and 25-year-old Headrick manages to escape a plunk plus a double. It also helps that old friend Jake Cave doesn’t fly his sac fly far enough.

8: Two more LOBster for the Twins, who are shaking my confidence daily. Luplow comes in to “pitch” the bottom half, and plunks Edmundo Sosa with a 50-MPH slider, and the teams both have a laugh pretending to be angry. The next guy homers. 13-2

9: Did you think the Twins would crumble? Did you think they’d lay down and die? You were right. One may be weary, people do get weary of this team being mediocre. Twims lohse. So did Cleveland, remaining 3.5 GB.

Studs: Musicians. Duds: The Twins’ pitching reclamation projects post-Colon, the filler spots in their current bullpen

COTG goes to Matt for “‘first-place Twins leading off their mid-August lineup with Willi Castro and Jordan Luplow” is not a thing I’d have expected’”, and to Joel for “Just posting so i can win COTG” (which is a thing we’d have expected).

Tomorrow’s game, which has to be better, features old-school-style pitcher Taijuan Walker and your not-Luis, Pablo López, at 5:05.